Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

Golf Balls Cause Dents

First of all, I don't know that I like this dual blog experience. It reminds of the time I had a severe staph infection and nearly died -- no visitors allowed.

What is the answer? I must return to my roots and write about golf. This is a challenge because I don't want to bore the non-golfers who might chance upon this site thinking it's about taking a detour into the woods during the mixed couples league and, well, ... it's not about that, but keep reading.

The putting greens on golf courses are expensive to build properly and maintain. Most course managers consult with agronomists for advice in maintaining them free from pests and pestilence. The guy in hip boots from Chem-Lawn really isn't much help.

I'm lucky enough to have a very nice golf course down the street about a half-mile away, part of which is newly designed and constructed and meanders through a housing development, where you must make an appointment to have your financial statements reviewed before you can make an appointment to tour the multi-million dollar models with putting greens and home theaters in the basements.

The course is public, but it costs a little more to play there than it does at other public tracks nearby. Maybe I expect too much, but I would think that if you pay more, then you would be more cognizant of the niceties of the course and want to preserve the course for the next time you play. But I fear that I am wrong and the converse (or is it inverse?) is true.

Generally, and this is for the non-golfers out there, if you hit a golf ball -- a nice, high, arching shot while practicing in your front yard because you never hit them like that on the course -- and the ball hits your neighbor's car on the roof, you're going to leave a dent about 1.68 inches in diameter or maybe even bigger. That makes sense, does it not?

What would you do if you are like me and do something ultra-stupid like that? You offer to fix it; and if you are lucky enough that the vehicle is not an '03 GMC Hugefucker XXL, your neighbor will likely say to forget about it instead of saying, "What are you going to do about the two dents in hood?"

And you say, calmly, "What about them?"

And he says in that weasly voice that you hate, "You're paying for them, too, you cocksucker."

And, mildly incensed by your neighbor's use of profanity, you say, "At least I don't prance around in women's clothes. By the way, I like the reddish color of the Mary Janes you're wearing."

And he says, taking a step toward you, "If you didn't have that club in your hand, I'd kick your ass."

And you say, flicking the head of the club so that it sticks into the ground because the guy's lawn is wet and very mushy because he has the sprinklers on a timer and they run every morning despite the fact that it has rained the last few days, "No problem, man. Whatever."

And he says, eyes averting their gaze, revealing the hint of glitter on his upper lids, "I really don't want to fight."

And you say, "I figured as much."

And he says, "Just get the roof fixed by one of those dent repair guys who come out to the house."

And I you say, "Okay. But just to make sure -- not the hood;" and you pull the golf club out of the ground.

And he says, "Right."

Well, the same kind of thing happens to a putting green that happens to the roof of a GMC Suburban XL. The ball puts a big dent into the the putting green and many times rips up the grass, making what is called a "ball mark," which, when a golfer causes that to happen, the golfer is supposed to fix.

The golf course supplies ball mark repair tools (it's nothing special, just a two pronged fork would be how I would describe it), which are made of brass and have the course logo stamped on them, which are very classy and much nicer than other tools I've seen at posh clubs.

If everyone just fixed the ball mark each made, there would be no problem; but golfers, for whatever reason -- probably because they don't see pros on TV doing it (Hell, TV golf is so damn boring already without having to watch a man or woman pro bending over and fixing ball marks. It's bad enough we have to look at their asses when they bend over to get the ball out of the hole.).

So, I end up, being the conscientious guy I am, fixing my own ball mark and six or seven others besides. And that's one of my pet peeves. Fix your damn ball marks!

We'll take up the subject of replacing divots next week.

Posted by Bill at August 5, 2003 02:25 PM