Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

I have never played golf in a group behind a Frenchman before. From what I saw, you played fairly well. I saw you in the woods a couple times, and I should have warned you that there may have been poison ivy where you hit your ball on the 7th hole. I didn't want to yell to you to be careful because we just don't do that in the States.

I wanted to yell to you to shut your fucking mouth a couple times when we were on the green and you were on the next tee yacking to the other guy riding in your cart. But again, that would have been impolite.

And who were you talking to on the telephone? You reminded me of my grandmother, who died a couple years ago at age 93, when she would talk on the phone. There were times she yelled so loud into the mouthpiece, I thought my phone was going to break. The person to whom you were talking must have been partially deaf. And if the person you were talking to didn't understand French, talking louder doesn't help translate French into any other language. Or is that what telephone communication is like in France? You need to yell into the phone to be heard? I swear you didn't need the fucking phone. That person would have heard you if he or she was in Normandy.

Change your cell phone service to Sprint. Isn't that the company that says you can hear a pin drop?

Better yet, just shut the fuck up when you are playing golf. One bit of advice -- the golf balls in the U.S. do not understand French. And they don't understand English, either, especially if you have any kind of accent at all. Another bit of advice -- yelling at the golf ball to do whatever you wanted it to do -- I don't know French -- doesn't do any good. Golf balls in the U.S. do not respond to yelling. I have never been to France, but I know that golf balls do not hear when yelled at from my American experience. If anything at all works, it is leaning one way or the other. You see all the pros doing it. Lean this way; lean that way; bend your knees; fall to the ground; fall in the sand trap. That's what you need to practice.

Keep your mouth shut. You may say "Fuck" or "Shit" or the French equivalent, but you must not say those words, or any combination of them, without quiet and careful contemplation. Then you can say one or the other of them or a combination, but quietly.

Sincerely,

Billy