Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

Monday Morning Quarterback

There are some things that you might want to salt away in your memory bank for future reference when you get into some trouble with the law. You just never know when you'll be in a situation where you need to know this stuff. For most of you, some of it won't apply, but for many .... Please remember that this is NOT legal advice nor should it be construed to apply to similar circumstances because although the situation you are in might be similar, it is never exactly the same.

1. If you ever are standing in front of the judge and you have entered a guilty plea to aggravated arson [First of all, DO NOT torch your fiance's ex-fiance's car while it is in the garage attached to the house in which she or he is living.], listen to your attorney and wear a suit or something with sleeves long enough to cover up the tattoos of screaming, red-eyed, orange-and-yellow-flaming skulls you have on each forearm.

But having eschewed that advisory about proper attire, take your attorney's advice about keeping your mouth shut, the judge having read your psychologist's report, because you will have plenty of time to ruminate about the advice if you tell the judge you were "pretty fuckin' angry" because your fiance ex-fiance was sleeping with your best friend.

2. After you have hired an attorney to represent you in your unemployment compensation case and the attorney asks you if you ever received any written or verbal warnings for missing work, your attorney really does want to know if you ever received any written or verbal warnings for missing work. Why? Because when you are at the hearing and your employer's hearing rep pulls out the three written reprimands and final warning that the next time you call off, even if for illness, you will be fired, your attorney won't be drinking water and start choking on it and the administrative hearing officer who is going to decide your case won't start laughing.

3. When you are out of jail on bond on your felony DWI case and you also have taken the police on a high speed chase and you failed to get away because you ran out of gas and a condition of your bond is that you get tested for drugs and alcohol, do not show up for your weekly piss test and puke all over the probation officer and then pass out. Twice. And at sentencing, do not bring in the guy who gave you a job two months ago, a guy who has been in AA for 12 years, to say, "I guess he hasn't hit rock bottom yet, judge. He should see what prison is like." And when the judge turns to your attorney and asks in a sarcastic tone, "Now tell me why your client shouldn't get more than the minimum time in prison?" please expect that your attorney will say, "I think that is a question best answered by my client."