Cleveland, Ohio (Routers) -- A terrible tragedy occurred late this afternoon, resulting in the destruction of several dozen Peeps. It started when two bright yellow packages were being transported to the staging area, where the packages were to be opened by the skilled workers of Local 1120 of the Teamsters Union, and the Peeps were to march onto the stage for the presentation of the 13th Annual Peep Haiku Awards (Peepku Awards).
Through no fault of the Teamsters, Julius and Charles, the packages were left unattended and two dogs, one identified as a brindle boxer, the other, her companion, a tri-color beagle, ripped apart the cartons of valuable Peeps, carnauba wax eyes wide, and devoured all of the Peeps, swallowing some whole, without regard to gastro-intestinal distress that might follow.
Julius, arriving during the mallow-bath, cried, "Oh, the humanity! ... Screaming around me . . . . I'm sorry, honestly, I can hardly breathe, I'm going to step inside where I cannot see it. Charley that's terrible. I, I can't... listen , I'm going to have to stop for a minute, just because I've lost my voice, this is the worst thing I've ever witnessed."
Charles could not save any of the Peeps. He lamented later, sitting in the staging area, holding something black in his yellow-sugar coated right hand, wiping his mouth with his left sleeve, "The dogs ... they just ran off. This is all that was left of the poor ****ing Peeps. These ... see, the eyes. They left the eyes! The devil dogs! Bitches!" He broke down and cried.
Some old, bald guy with a beard chanced by and was asked what he saw, "I din't see a ting, but dose damn dogs are gonna to be fartin' sum'n oarfull t'night and prolly wanna go out at four in the mornin.' But dem Peeps bin a sore spot 'round deese here parts 'n' ah ain't so shook up 'bout it as that feller, Pres'dint Booooosh, ov' dere."
The President, making an appearance here in the backyard of radical Democrats to kick-start the economy by trying to generate Peep sales, which he admitted had been lagging, calmed the large crowd, mostly celebtities and other ne'er-do-wells, announcing that this was not the work of Al Qaeda terrorists, but did point out that Saddam's father once owned a boxer and that Muhammad Ali, also a boxer, is a Muslim. The crowd cheered on cue.
But the show did go on. The vote tally was delivered on-stage, sans the Peep parade, in a sealed envelope by two dweebs accountants who were laid off from Enron. Of about 132 entries received, over one hundred had to be discarded because of hanging chads or dangling participles. The five winners were announced by Bert Parks:
In no particular order, the winners are:
Behold the brave peeps
marching shoulder to shoulder.
Comrads without arms.
-- Submitted by Suzette.
Flags at July fourth?
Santas at Holy Christmas?
Peeps - Fucking sell outs.
-- Submitted by Crazy Girl.
Sugar and car wax
On tinted marshmallow fluff .
Have a perfect peep.
-- Submitted by Suzette.
Peep Peep yellow chick
Morphs to green tree at Christmas
And no mold dares grow
--Submitted by Crazy Girl's Friend.
Simple Chicken peep
Dreams of running freely
Over sunlit praeries
-- Submitted by Michelle.
The voting of the judges is final. If you are not satisfied, Julius, who, when wearing his white T-shirt and white pants, is called the "Human Refrigerator" will speak to you in the basement.
Posted by Bill at October 19, 2003 07:45 PMWell, I may not have a life, but your writings concerning peeps have provided me countless minutes of entertainment read-aloud value to my warrior hubby when he was home and before I took off this weekend (for the few brief and shiny moments we saw each other), and with my various friends, and with my daughter. Now with the blow-by-blow of the violence at the contest I'll have even more to entertain them (or at least myself) with. What fun! (small town, cheeseheads... we don't get out much, what can I say?) :o) thanks for the laughs, Bill!
Posted by: crazy girl at October 19, 2003 09:56 PMLaughing my ass off here.
Posted by: kathy at October 20, 2003 12:48 AMThe 'Peep Points' coupon on the boxes weren't damaged, were they?
Thank you to the members of the Academy and to my agent and the wonderful writers who actually produced that first Peeku. The second one was ny own compostion, so I'm going to accept the prize anyway.
Posted by: Suzette at October 20, 2003 07:32 AMThat was hysterical - I have not laughed so loudly in ages. Thank you for entertaining me tonight - that was just wonderful. I am honoured to be one of the winners in your first Annual Peepku Contest.
Posted by: Michelle at October 20, 2003 03:52 PM