May 10, 2004

Rubber Chickens, Dentists & Fig Newtons

I haven't had much to write about lately. So, you get a choice -- in BULLETED format:

  • I made the mistake of going to the dentist today. I need to go back in two weeks to discuss my "treatment program."
  • I have this tooth way in the back that cracked in half. Do I really need this tooth way in the back on the right side? My answer is "N-O, and out you go." But I think the dentist has a different idea about dental health than I do. To her, "treatment program" means some kind of lengthy experiment on my mouth which will cause great pain and discomfort over the course of many months and is very similar to the wallet-ectomy my family physician does on a regular basis.

    Then there is the wisdom tooth way in the back on the lower left side. I know it needs to come out, but the gum grew back over it. It was supposed to come out a long time ago, before the turn of the century, but the oral surgeon was reluctant to take it out. He mentioned something about the fact that it was laying on a nerve and taking it out would almost certainly cause some damage and maybe loss of feeling of everything below the level of my jaw -- well, not that bad; but almost that bad. So, we he decided that it should not come out until absolutely necessary. Why take a risk now?

  • And Mother's Day was yesterday. I think that the party went off pretty well. I may still be in a little hot water about inviting all those people over on Mother's Day, but everyone had a good time. Some people appreciate the gifts they are given -- I think Stacey did, especially since she picked it out herself.
  • Disappointing at the party, however, was that nobody noticed my rubber chicken perched in the tree in the corner of the living room.

  • And what the hell has happened to Fig Newtons? I love Fig Newtons. I have always loved Fig Newtons. I know that some people like those abominations that go under the "Newton" name, but they cannot compare by any stretch of the imagination to the beloved and revered Fig Newton. I bought two packages on Saturday. When I opened one of the cellophane-wrapped stacks, I noticed that the cookies are smaller than they used to be -- and I don't mean just a little smaller, I mean many magnitudes smaller.
  • Of course, I know that Nabisco probably reduced the size of these things with little media coverage and kept the price the same so Nabisco makes a bigger profit on a per item basis. But whatever happened to that American SUPER-SIZE philosophy? Am I supposed to be encouraged by the concern of Nabisco about my health. Did the size reduction occur when Nabisco jumped on the fat-free health craze and brought out fat-reduced, tasteless Fig-like Newtons? I thought that fruit was good for us. Why not charge a little more and super-size Fig Newtons!

  • In closing, I have some legal advice to all of those people who drive their children to school in their brand new 2004 Mercedes-Benz G-55 SUV (with imaging radar and heat-seeking Sidewinder missiles). You may not be aware that when you drop your children off at school, you do that during the time that almost all children arrive at school in the morning. And the building at which you drop your children off is not some kind of rest stop on the way to school but is the school. You can usually tell that by the fact that "school" is in the name that is emblazoned in big letters right on the building, e.g., "St. Richard School.

    Now -- here's the advice -- when you pull out of the driveway into the street, if you do not look both ways and almost nail a white Volkswagen Beetle, one with a black "The Who" sticker on the back bumper, you can be charged with reckless driving. If you accelerate and pull out and drive at a speed far greater than 20 miles per hour in the School Zone, you can be charged with speeding. And you could lose your license for a while. And there are people out there who are just crazy enough to write down license plate numbers and convey the information to the prosecutor tomorrow while they are in court. So, be very careful next time.

    Posted by Bill at May 10, 2004 02:08 PM
  • Comments

    Yank the suckers out. Treatment plans, shreatment plans. No more pain. Get rid of them.

    Posted by: TW at May 10, 2004 03:59 PM

    Two things: (1) How the hell could people not notice a rubber chicken in a tree in your living room? OK, that was simply rhetorical, but still. (2) I'm writing a letter tomorrow to Nabisco, suggesting and giving you full credit for SuperSize Fig Newtons. It's the best idea I've heard in years and (by golly) it's the American way!

    Posted by: Philip at May 10, 2004 10:03 PM

    Who wudda figgied you as a Newton boy? You darn tootin!

    Posted by: Cowtown Pattie at May 11, 2004 08:50 AM

    How cool that Stacey taught you how to do bullets.

    ;)

    Posted by: Kathy Howe at May 11, 2004 01:23 PM

    "Disappointing at the party, however, was that nobody noticed my rubber chicken perched in the tree in the corner of the living room." I have one who does crazy things like you. He can never resist the temptation to tell every one.

    Posted by: Anji at May 14, 2004 10:13 AM