Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

Driving Lessons

It being Saturday afternoon and the usual day for our driver education refresher class, please draw your chairs close -- Philip, sit up here in front where I can watch you! -- and pay attention. There will be a quiz at the end of the week.

Before we get started, though, I have an announcement. One of you spilled a vanilla milkshake or something in the back seat of the Ford Focus. The Focus will be out of commission for cleaning; so, we won't be driving today. Kathy, no more McD's during class.

Here's refresher lesson number one: Say you're driving a big fucking truck, loaded with tons of drywall, west on Chester Road, which has one lane in each direction and you encounter a broken-down semi and pick-up truck parked partly off the road headed west. A white VW Beetle with a black "The Who" sticker on the rear bumper (which you can't see yet) with a bald guy driving is in the eastbound lane. You will have to go into the eastbound lane to pass the parked trucks. You are in a hurry. If you are male, you believe you have a big dick; if you are female, you are in the process of divorce because your husband cheated on you (with another man).

It is improper to attempt to drive over the oncoming white VW Beetle. Technically, the Beetle has the right-of-way. But dontchyaknow, you have the big fucking truck and any normal individual would yield to you. But you must be prepared that the bald guy driving may be having a bad day or may simply be a real mother-fucker and refuse to yield. Believe me, you do not want to mess with someone like this. Under only this circumstance, stop and pull over to the right as close as you can to the parked vehicles and perhaps this white VW Beetle will go past you -- or maybe he'll want you to back up, and you should because nobody can be that crazy and not kick the livin' shit out of you.

This is lesson number two: You are driving your evil, black Hummer and have just spent $100 to fill up the tank and your Visa is now maxed out. You are merging onto the highway. There is a white VW Beetle with a black "The Who" sticker on the back bumper and a lot of traffic in the high-speed lane preventing the Beetle from moving over and allowing you to merge. You are in a hurry and need to get onto the highway because the bridge abutment is fast approaching, cutting off your assured clear distance ahead. The bald guy driving the white VW Beetle looks at you and gives you the finger, which naturally causes you to become angry and want to merge immediately onto the highway.

You are maniacally driving the evil, black Hummer and any normal individual would yield to you. But you must be prepared that the bald guy is having a bad day and is a real fucking asshole and refuses to yield to you, inviting you to crash into him. You do not want to mess with someone like this under any circumstance, so slow down and let him pass.

That is all. Class dismissed. Remember -- quiz later in the week.

Posted by Bill at May 22, 2004 07:43 PM