January 05, 2005


i don't know how to write about this topic. it's about two things -- or maybe it's just about one. i don't know. see what i mean? this one's a hard one. one of the "things" is clouded with just a little bit of anger (ok. a lot), and the other is with a lot of sadness. i'll start with the second. just because that's more recent. and led me to thinking about the first. again.

jax called me this morning to tell me that he got a phone call from a friend who had some bad news. a former coworker's 15-year-old brother was found dead. hung himself. three weeks ago, the 17-year-old son of a "buddy" hung himself. jax said to me, "what the fuck???!!!" looking for some mama wisdom. pffft. i got nothin', buddy. only tremendous sadness. freaked-out, terrified sadness. ow. ow. ow. lemme hug you RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW sadness.

i'm stuck here. do not know what more to say.

i start thinking about myself. and how even though i don't live THROUGH my children - and my husband - they are where i live. they are my heart. my life. the life i chose for myself. i am a "breeder."

shocked? i was, too, when i read that term written by a young "woman" in her blog referring to t.w. son of a bitch, it pissed me off. still does. i've wanted to write about this ever since i read it. didn't know how. still can't figure out how to make any sense here. i am so pissed and offended. not only for t.w. but for me, too, and a lot of you, dads included. i think i need some bullets here. not that kind. this kind:

  • first to the young woman: fucking get over yourself. it is too sad that you are saying things that, if you have any fucking sense at all, you WILL regret. you'll grow up, i hope. you'll mature, i hope. you MAY EVEN CHANGE. ohmygod, it happens. YOU MAY CHANGE. and, if you do have any sense at all, you're looking at a picture of yourself in the future as a better version of what you are now. unless, of course, you believe that you're the best you can be. in which case, imho, you're a lost cause. and you're not just immature - you're an asshole.

  • "breeder?" a woman who has had a child is one thing? is this the "new" version of feminism? i don't think so. i think you've missed the whole fucking point, dearheart. i'm a feminist. yes, i am. don't you fucking tell ME that i'm not. i can - and will - do whatever i want. just so happens this IS what i want. believe it.

  • i want this life. i wanted this life. i chose this life. i chose this man. i chose to have children. i'm stacey. and some of the things (the most important to ME) i am is a wife and mother. i'm a lot more, too. it's your problem if you can't see that. my husband and kids see it. i know a lot of my readers here see it.

    Posted by Stacey at January 5, 2005 01:39 PM
  • Comments

    You should be President, that's what you should be.

    Go get 'em, Stace!!

    Posted by: Kathy Howe at January 5, 2005 02:21 PM

    *raises hand*

    My name is Lucy, and I'm a breeder, too.

    CHOICE doesn't mean I have to make YOUR choice- it means that we can MAKE OUR OWN. Oy. Sometimes you wonder.

    You said it well, Stace.

    Posted by: lucy at January 5, 2005 02:59 PM

    Hugs To Jackson... how hard that is!

    And I'm not really sure what the blog drama is because I'm about 3 months behind reading blogs...

    but if breeder means you have children, enjoy raising them, worry about them 24/7... then sign me up... I'm a breeder and I'm proud!

    Posted by: -d at January 5, 2005 05:04 PM

    I am a breeder too-- but just by way of explanation of what some people mean by "breeder" (which does not make it better, just another explanation)-- the gay community refers to all heterosexuals as "breeders." It's not meant to be derogatory (that I am aware of). So, when you said she had used that term, that is the first thing I thought of.

    But I'm not trying to defend her.

    Um... can you do the meme too?

    Posted by: jen at January 5, 2005 05:26 PM

    "Breeder" doesn't sound nice to me either, though I am one myself and proud of it.
    Love to Jackson, he's lucky to have a Mom like you.

    Posted by: Anji at January 7, 2005 02:45 AM

    I'm so sorry for Jax and for the people and for his friends. It is so hard to understand why someone would do that, and how to comfort those left behind. My thoughts are with him and his friends.

    As far as the "breeder" thing: my deal is that that term seems so derogatory. I would be the first one to tell a friend who didn't want children not to have them. Children SHOULD be wanted, anticipated, and all those things. I have several dear friends who didn't (don't?) want children. They love their nieces and nephews, and their friends' children (my sometimes bratty urchins included), but didn't want children of their own. Fine. Great. The last people who should be having children are those who don't want them. I just don't understand why this is a big deal. It just seems common sense. It implies no value judgement. And if I'm not going to judge anyone for not having children (and I don't), then why should someone judge me for having them?

    Choice. You hit the nail on the head, Stacey. Isn't that what we've all been working towards?

    Posted by: TW at January 8, 2005 01:23 AM

    Breeder is a long used term, not one that the TW girl invented so telling her to get over herself is useless when an entire generation uses the term in a derogatory manner to speek of women/men like you, me and our spouses.

    I think Douglas Coupland threw that one out into the populous back with his book "generation x..." but I'm not sure. the book spawned not only the title which covered a generation (starting pretty much with my birth year and flowing to the mid 70s...) but McJob and a bunch of other good terms. I may be wrong on where the term breeder originated, but, it's out there in the mainstream.

    Proud to be a breeder,

    Posted by: christine at January 9, 2005 10:43 PM

    PS -- Jen is partly right in her statement that the gay community refers to heteros as breeders, but it's more a demarkation between those who choose to have children in their lives and those who "eschew fecundity"... there are whole websites dedicated to being anti-breeder. It's as hetero a stance as a gay one. Groups like Zero Population Growth (which has changed its name, see http://www.zpg.org/ for details) want us to not breed. It's bad for the planet.

    I think that people who use the term in the hetero community are often younger. Us older birds know the beauty of breeding. And if I ever am called a breeder, I'll remind that person to go home and thank his or her mom for fucking and breeding if he or she appreciates his or her existance. Without breeders, there aren't people running around with their little attitudes. it's a gift. if you choose not to pass life on, so be it -- good luck picking your own nursing home when you have dimentia, fucker.

    heh. over caffeinated as usual.

    Posted by: christine at January 9, 2005 10:48 PM