Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

Beating the Meat

This is typical of government. The Department of Homeland Security announced that we are safer today than we were yesterday. In fact, there might be a change in the alert stage from elevated to sea level because the Department of Homeland Security's detection equipment is such that terrorists will no longer be able to board planes with big pieces of meat. I, for one, have been afraid to fly in the last year because technology had not advanced to the point where the X-ray machines could detect lengths of Genoa salami in a carry-on bag which could have been used as weapons of terror. That has all changed with the bologna discovery at the U.S.-Mexican border in a daring seizure by customs agents.

There is still a major a problem, however, in detecting the old terrorist standby -- summer sausage strapped to the inside of one leg.

Since summer is approaching and with national security foremost in mind, I have applied for a Department of Defense grant so that I can train meat-sniffing dogs which will be stationed at each airport, train depot, and bus station to detect illegally-concealed meat weapons. Another item that would be detected by my well-trained meat-sniffing dogs will be weiners strategically concealed in linings or pockets of jackets and coats before boarding to be removed in transit and used by terrorists to simulate guns.

In addition to the national security implications of my project, dogs from dog shelters all over this great land can be used, thus alleviating concerns of dog rescue groups around the country. Furthermore, although anathema to the Bush administration's philosophy, seizures made, instead of being destroyed as was done by U.S. Customs today, will be used to feed the hungry.