Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

Lightning Can Be Dangerous

Thunderstorm season is upon us in the Northern Hemisphere. As a golfer, I am highly concerned about the dangers associated with thunderstorms and lightning strikes while playing golf. Not only are golfers exposed to the devastating effects of lightning by virtue of the terrain of golf courses, most golfers carry around a bag on their persons or in close proximity, either on a rolling cart or in a personal conveyance vehicle, which contain long rods of steel. It is axiomatic that these long rods of steel, golf clubs, as they are known in the parlance of our times, are, in fact, during electrical storms, lightning strike collectors.

Golfers, as a general rule, are not of high intelligence. Although disputed by many sources, one need only point to the fact that most golfers actually view others playing golf on home television as ample evidence that golfers are, indeed, of slight intelligence. Moreover, as a further example of the lower intelligence of golfers, when not actually being able to view the television broadcast of men or women walking on large expanses of grass, golfers often, for example, while making a sandwich, will tell another who might be in the vicinity of the the television to turn up the sound, thus allowing the golfer to be entertained by the swooshing of the club being swung through the air and a whispering commentator describing that the golf ball flew into the air and landed on the ground, which Newton clarified for Earthlings several centuries ago.

Having established that golfers lack intelligence, they are so devoid of intelligence and common sense to such an extent that they lack self-preservation skills. Golfers will often unravel and deploy umbrellas when precipitation is present, which precipitation is often a precursor to and occurs invariably during a thunderstorm, holding the umbrellas high overhead, thereby deploying lightning strike collectors.

It is also well known that large, tall isolated objects, such as trees, attract lightning. Golfers, being of low intelligence, will often congregate in large groups, telling ribald jokes and making off-color remarks, under tall, lightning-attracting trees, holding high above their heads colorful, lightning-attracting umbrellas, carrying on their persons or maintaining in close proximity to their persons expensive, lightning-attracting metal clubs.

It is well known to even those of average intelligence that lightning can be dangerous. Tests reveal that more than half of all lightning bolts are about 100 million volts, and some have been measured upwards of 10 billion volts. But it is not the volts that kill, it is the amps. And lightning bolts average about 30,000 amps, but some have been measured at more than 200,000 amps. The temperature of a lightning bolt is generally about 50,000 degrees F. In most instances, but this is anecdotal, people have not liked being hit by lightning.

Is it not preferable, instead of seeking out shelter under or near lightning strike collectors and instead of carrying or being in close proximity to lightning strike collectors, to prevent lightning strikes. Lightning strikes can be prevented by discharging the site being protected of built-up electrical charge, since lightning invariably terminates in an area of high charge. By discharging the site to be protected from lightning strikes of excess electrical charge, the lightning strike risk is substantially reduced or totally eliminated.

With physics and the safety of golfers in mind and with pure eleemosynary intent, I suggest to enterprising entrepreneurs that, in cooperation with Lightning Eliminators & Consultants, Inc., the Spline Ball golf hat be introduced as a necessary accessory for the serious golfer for protection against lightning strikes. The Spline Ball hat also provides excellent protection against wayward golf balls that might otherwise cause serious head or brain trauma. In addition, the Spline Ball hat may also be used to drag lake and river beds to recover golf balls that have been consigned to watery graves, allowing the golfer to enter the business of used golf ball sales, thereby recouping the investment in the Spline Ball hat, which is an attractive selling point.

It is not unknown for golfers of low intelligence to spend $500 for a new golf club, despite the fact that the average score of golfers has stayed constant over the last 30 years at 100, which means that golfers are so stupid that they will pay any amount of money to play better; therefore, the Spline Ball hat can be marketed as a multi-faceted tool not only to protect the golfer on the course at all times from natural and man-made hazards, but as a passive teaching aid. Because of its design, the Spline Ball hat requires the golfer to maintain his head in a stable position, which is a fundamentally sound swing feature endorsed by all teaching professionals. The Spline Ball hat will revolutionize golf instruction. It will also allow golfers to play golf during thunderstorms by protecting them from lightning strikes, which is a benefit to golf course operators, who often close the golf course to play during thunderstorms for fear that a golfer may be struck by lightning and then sue the golf course operator for not preventing the golfer from playing with lightning bolts streaking across the sky.

Again, I offer this business opportunity gratis.

Posted by Bill at June 1, 2005 01:48 PM