up and down. crazy. i’m ready for this. it’s too much.
jax got the keys to his apartment yesterday morning. (!!!) started moving. slowly. very, VERY slowly. of course, the FIRST thing he moved was some guitars. and electronic gear. priorities, you know. THEN, he came home for his futon mattress, his tv, some videos, bottles of water, and toilet paper.
last night before he left, i had been reading in bed with pillows on my lap propping up my book. he came into our room, and i put my book down. he sat on the bed and laid his head on the pillows on my lap, and allowed me to stroke his hair while we talked. we talked about the move. about how cool it was. about how i remember how i felt in my first apartment (his age. newly married) when i’d get up in the middle of the night to get a drink and think, “THIS IS MY ICED TEA. THIS IS MY PITCHER. THIS IS MY GLASS.” about how scary it can be. about how dad and i had confidence in him. that he was smart and a good man.
it was awesome.
he left the house and met bill (who stopped at the grocery store for supplies for jax). bill told me when he got home that he and jax stood in the driveway of jax’s friend after transfering the stuff to jax’s car and hugged and cried. jax said he was scared a little. they hugged and cried some more.
my house is empty of children. i woke a couple times during the night and realized i was placing jax in his bedroom in my mind (as i’ve done tens of thousands of times before – that locating them thing you do with your kids. are they home yet? in bed? safe?) before i realized, nope, not there. in his OWN place. and shoved the thought out of my head. didn’t want to be sad.
i’m not really sad. but i cry a lot. i’m crying now.
this morning, i looked over the railing to the living room downstairs and saw the ghosts i’ve seen many times before. jax and matt. 14 and 18. dancing in the living room. jax teaching matt the box step.
next.
Posted by Stacey at June 7, 2005 04:07 PM((( hugs ))) You want me to come over and cry with you as I have a lot of tears at the moment too. It will take you a while to get used to the empty nest but luckily you have Bill and all the dogs to keep the house noisy. And Jax will be back so often because who would ever want to miss out on your loving, good food and laughter.
Posted by: Michelle at June 7, 2005 05:07 PMthanks, michelle!
Posted by: stacey at June 7, 2005 05:29 PMI just realized I wrote almost the exact same comment for the post before this one.
I think I'm doing that transference thing....because I can see that time coming, now, when my boys will be gone, and it's kinda scary to imagine.
I'm going to watch how you do it, so I'll know how when it's my turn. Because you're doing it so, so well.... :-)
Posted by: lucy at June 7, 2005 11:25 PMPass the kleenex please, I'm so glad you had that 'pillow moment' to yourselves. I know exactly what you mean about placing the children in their bedrooms at night.
It's two years this week since Christian left home!
*sobs*
Posted by: KathyHowe at June 8, 2005 10:37 AMBig ugly cry for me this morning as I read your post.
I will be giving my 11 yr old a HUGE hug when I pick her up at school today. It's going so fast. Will you cry with me when she leaves in 7 or 8 years?
Posted by: moonandsun03 at June 8, 2005 12:06 PM