Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

HERE'S THE DILLY, YO

ok. here's the deal. that was posted while i was reeling. stupid, stupid, stupid. i'm much, much better.

i was diagnosed with ms 11 years ago when i had my first -- AND ONLY -- "attack." i was tracked for 5 years after that. only had the ONE brain lesion in all that time! very unusual. so the doc said i was as likely as anybody to have another. it just so happened that the ONE brain lesion was in my brain stem -- not a good place to have one. AND, it didn't resolve (heal) for over 6 months. so that ONE left me with permanent damage. mostly, it's no big deal. i'm a gimp. i type one-handed. i must wear glasses because i'm also a little cross-eyed from it. i have balance problems. energy problems. i have to use a cane.

so i'm a little different. ok, in some ways a lot different. but, the fact of the matter is that i think it's in some ways harder on those looking at me from the outside. it took me a little while -- but i feel just the same INSIDE. you know me, right? i don't think you think that i'm someone to feel sorry for, right? i rock, right? i'm bitchy, sentimental, smart, funny, right? that's how i feel and who i am. i'm happy. really happy. i'm a wife and mom. i'm who i want to be. the other stuff doesn't really bother me too much. i deal with it as i need to.

but i've realized i've lived the past 11 years pretending to myself that it WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN. and so when i was faced with the possibility that this might be another lesion, i freaked. it was like the first time -- all over again. started thinking all the worst-case scenarios.

idjit.

look. for the first 5 years, i had ONE -- count 'em -- ONE brain lesion. so if this is another one -- and we won't know that until next wednesday when my neurologist reads my new mri (going friday) -- i've got a REALLY slow-moving case.

big deal. it's my belief that the damage i sustained from lesion #1 is worse than what most ms patients sustain from the majority of lesions. so i'm going to be fine. really. just fine.

as for this optic neuritis / blind-spot thing, i have a choice. spend 3 days in the hospital on a steroid i.v. or take 125 pills a day for the next 4 days and then switch meds for a couple more days, slowly weaning myself off the "juice." YES, I SAID 125 PILLS A DAY! WTF? yet, i chose the 125 pills/day. pffft. and the pharmacist would only give bill the first day's supply even though he TOLD HER he wasn't supplying the cleveland indians. he had to fight for the one-day supply. i can't wait to see how these make me feel! doc said i'd feel "goofy."

i'm thinking bill and i might need a baby sitter. except, you might be in the way. i've got the next four days off, an empty nest, chocolate-dipped strawbs, and my very own ETERNALLY-goofy husband.

but you guys. man, you guys are awesome. awesome. everyone of you who sent your good thoughts, vibes, prayers. man, i felt 'em. i feel 'em. right back atcha, peeps.

Posted by Stacey at June 22, 2005 09:32 PM