Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

Toothpaste

Certain tasks have devolved upon me in the last few years with Matt and Mark leaving for college and other destinations farther down the timeline and the J-dogg growing up and going on his adventure in bohemian living.

I just cannot figure out the toothpaste thing. I grew up using the only decay-preventing dentifrice approved by the American Dental Association, Crest. That's all. The mighty Crest. Well, Crest and a conscientious program of regular dental care was supposed to do it. And fluoridated water. And restricting sweets. Now, it seems every toothpaste on the market is approved by the American Dental Association; so, that’s no big deal anymore. That means every toothpaste is about the same, I would imagine.

One of my responsibilities now is buying the toothpaste. That seems like a simple enough task any moron could do; and it is, but you must understand that I have not yet succeeded in reaching that high of a level on the intelligence scale. After all, for the one who cuts the Christmas tree light cord and then sticks it in his mouth to see if the juice is on, buying the right toothpaste is almost like picking out the correct tampon make and model.

I now understand that Colgate is THE brand of toothpaste I am required to buy. My lovely wife does not like Crest. Why not? I don't know. One doesn’t ask that kind of question, if one knows what is good for him. Colgate it is.

The tube, though, is required to have a flip-top cap. You would think that a flip-top cap is a big selling point featured prominently on the box. It is not; it is nowhere on the box. Have you ever tried to unseal a box of toothpaste to see if the tube has a flip-top cap? It is impossible. And the way the universe works, I had to go through three different kinds of toothpaste boxes before hitting the jackpot. And then I had to explain why I brought three open boxes at the check-out counter; and the way the universe works, after I was cross-examined by the check-out girl, who just graduated from the 6th grade, about why I had done what I did, she did not forgive my transgression and made me pay.

So I had the right toothpaste, or so I thought. But there is more than one kind of Colgate toothpaste with a flip-top capon the market. I picked out the wrong kind because Stacey didn't like it. Why didn’t she like it? I don't know. One doesn’t ask that kind of question, if one knows what is good for him. I know that there are regular and mint flavor, and I thought she liked mint flavor; and she does, but not that particular mint flavor. The nuances of an educated palate when it comes to toothpaste, like wine, I do not possess. The world should not be this fucking complicated. Toothpaste is, after all, toothpaste.

So, because I'm not the toothpaste connoisseur, there are now six different kinds of toothpaste in the house. Three have screw caps. The others are different kinds of Colgate toothpaste with flip-tops.

There's Colgate Total with Whitening Paste. There's Colgate Advanced Fresh Gel. There's Colgate Total Mint Fresh Stripe Gel. I don't care which one I use. It doesn't matter to me.

And, after doing a little research into the matter, I came to the conclusion that the manner in which I approach the matter of toothpaste preference is not an unreasonable one. You see, I checked the ingredients on each tube. Going into this, I thought that there would be substantial differences in the ingredients. On the one hand, you have the toothpaste with extra whitening power versus the toothpaste with breath-refreshing minty flavor.

All of the toothpastes have the same ingredients. And all the ingredients are in the same order. Except for one. There is mica in one kind. I can't remember which one. Whatever. Isn't it great that the same stuff used in brick mortar is used in toothpaste? It's only for color, just like titanium dioxide. The only active ingredients in the toothpastes are sodium fluoride and Triclosan. Sodium fluoride is the reason you only put a dab on your kid's toothbrush, and Triclosan is the omnipresent magical anti-bacterial stuff in everything that claims to be anti-bacterial from dishwashing liquid to shower gel to … toothpaste.

Triclosan. Being totally crazy, I decided to find out just what makes this ubiquitous germ-killer so special. The formula for Triclosan is C12-H7-Cl3-O2, which is pretty close in composition to hexachlorophene, another anti-bacterial chemical, which was in general use until about 25 years ago. Newborns were bathed in that stuff; burn patients were covered in it; my college roommate used nothing else to wash himself. As it turns out, hexachlorophene is was absorbed through the skin and caused disintegration of the myelin sheaths of nerves, muscular weakness, and cerebral edema.

Triclosan, like hexachlorophene, is a chlorinated hydrocarbon; and that general group of chemicals is often used in pesticides. A study conducted by the Danish Environmental Protection Agency found that Triclosan is found in discharges of waste water treatment plants both in Europe and in the United States, and that sunlight caused the Triclosan to degrade into dioxin, which was linked to rather weird happenings in the Ukrainian presidential election recently, where the eventual winner of the ultimate election was poisoned with dioxin and suffered some rather distressing symptoms.

The Danish EPA report also concludes that Triclosan is not metabolized by fish, but accumulates in their tissues, just as mercury does, and may be a hazard to those who eat fish on a regular basis.

Now, I'm not saying that Triclosan is a bad thing. It is supposed to work its anti-bacterial magic in a way different from that of hexachlorophene. It's supposed to be safe … for some odd reason, known only to some pesky scientists. That's what the U.S. government says, the same group that told us Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

Maybe kids shouldn't use toothpaste with Triclosan as an ingredient. And maybe women who are pregnant shouldn't use it either.

And they don't really say what makes all these different kinds of toothpaste different.

Posted by Bill at June 25, 2005 11:21 PM