August 23, 2005

IF I RULED THE WORLD

on the drive in to work this morning, i spied a license plate covered with some kind of dingy yellow plastic, ostensibly applied to “protect” the license plate from the elements. i guess it did a pretty good job, taking all the damage itself, with the result that one could barely read the letters and numbers on the plate. i said to bill, “i wish the police would issue tickets to these people who do this.”

“and to people who have only a decorative plate in the front of their cars.” in ohio you’re supposed to have proper plates on back AND front.

“and to people who have their windows tinted too dark.” again, in ohio, there’s a law limiting the degree of tinting.

“and to those who turn left in front of you when you’re going straight because they don’t want to wait their turn.” i’d have a SPECIAL torture ticket for these people.

and then, since i was on a roll, i thought, i’d make a list. because i’m kind of cranky that way today, and because i haven’t blogged for a while. here’s my list of infractions that i’d like to see punished.

  • comb-overs. duh. come on. this is so too obvious i’m even embarrased to put it here. if you’ve got one, and you think we can’t tell, YOU’RE WRONG. get rid of it. embrace your baldness. women (i said women. not girls. if you're old enough to be bald, why do you care what girls think?) think men who are comfortable with themselves – and that includes their baldness – are sexy. this can be expanded to include toupes. bad ones AND good ones. and mullets. mullets are not good. if your hair is longer in the back than in the front, it’s a mullet. cut it off. punishments for these infractions will be harsh. and painful.

  • women – and girls (YES, EVEN GIRLS) who dress like sluts. just because you can wear something doesn’t mean you should. no. i’m not jealous. i’m ashamed. of you.

  • boys whose pants are too big and hang down their asses. you look silly.
  • boys who wear baseball caps sideways. again – silly.
  • men who wear baseball caps sideways. freaking ridiculous. grow fucking up.
  • drivers who don’t take their turn at 4-way stops. these are probably the same people who turn left in front of you. i think they believe they are special. that regular human laws don’t apply to them. i fucking hate you people. yeah – i’m cranky. really cranky.

  • people who illegally park in handicapped spots. duh. i won’t bore you with this again. you know the drill.
  • those who say “i seen...” a shock collar might be good for this and all gross grammatical infractions, hereinafter referred to as a "ggi."

  • ggi: me is a word. “i” is not to be used every single time you’re talking about you and somebody else. to wit, it IS proper to say, “bill and i did something-something.” it is NOT proper to say, “lucy sent bill and i cookies.” it’s freaking “lucy sent bill and me cookies.” NOT “lucy sent cookies for bill and i.” SAY “lucy sent cookies for bill and me.” rule of thumb: if you’d say “us,” say “me.” if you’d say “we,” say “i.” "WE" DOES NOT GO WITH "ME."

  • ggi: those who say “very unique.” or “quite unique.” or "kind of unique." or any other adverb with “unique.” unique is unique. you can’t be more or less unique.

  • those who send their kids running into a restaurant to beat the lady gimping along with her cane to the hostess so they can get a table before me. burn in hell, asswipes.

  • those who don’t wash their hands after ... those who fix their hair or make up before they wash their hands. ewwww.

  • servers in restaurants who correct my pronunciation. incorrectly. are you freaking telling me you NEVER heard challa or croissant pronounced properly? ever? i will hurt you the next time you do it. i swear to god i will.

  • those in restaurants responsible for purchasing the produce who, in the middle of august, must order their tomatoes from antarctica or god knows where because the tomatoes they serve are that weird, pink, grainy winter tomato. you can’t swing a cat in ohio without hitting a great, perfect summer tomato. are you paying extra to have this shit flown in or what?

  • servers in restaurants who when asked if the tomatoes are good when you’re contemplating ordering an insalata caprese salad say, “i guess so. they’re regular tomatoes.” for fuck’s sake, if i’m contemplating paying $13.95 for this, they’d better be good tomatoes. and you. you need to be working at burger king.

    i could go on and on today. sorry about the ggi stuff. i’m anal that way. but i love you anyway. really.

    Posted by Stacey at August 23, 2005 11:46 AM
    • Comments

    OMG...I've been ROFLMAO since I read "special TORTURE ticket".

    You rock, Stace!

    Posted by: KathyHowe at August 23, 2005 03:29 PM

    Nice to see you back, I think. Olivier's friend came back from the States this summer with his baseball cap stuck on sideways, I feel like knocking his head off.

    Rob loves correcting the 'I and me'

    I think you forgot the swanky car owners that have direction indicators as an option and don't take them.

    Do you have priority to the right in Ohio? Some people are good at taking but not giving, especially in crowded carparks.

    You'll be pleased to know that I dress within the range of a 49, er, 50 year old.

    Posted by: Anji at August 24, 2005 07:47 AM

    Jeez, Stace...have you been inside my head?

    Posted by: VFH at August 24, 2005 09:09 AM

    I stumbled upon your website because I was doing a search of a soldier that drowned recently in Iraq. I was thinking to myself, how bizarre, go to Iraq and die from... Drowning! You could ponder that one for a long while. Anyway, started reading your blog and thought your venting was quite funny...wow, you are an angry person. One comment in particular had me a little annoyed and that was the comment about dressing like a slut. I'm assuming you meant tight shirts and mini skirts that sort of thing. That's the way I dress. I have strong feelings about that because, the way I see it, I work damn hard looking this good and I'm going to show it! The only women that give me dirty looks are the ones that are jealous. As for girls that walk around with their fat bellies hanging out from under their short t-shirts and fat asses squished into tight jeans, those girls need to get a life. That's just gross. Anyway, had a good laugh from your venting. My take on life is that the world needs all kinds of different people, the bad drivers, the sluts, so on and so forth. It makes you appreciate the truly good and kind people that Are in your life. :)

    Posted by: Mariah at August 24, 2005 09:26 AM

    You teached me good, Stace!

    Posted by: lucy at August 24, 2005 11:34 PM

    I'm sorry, a mistype-

    You learned me good.

    :snicker:

    Posted by: lucy at August 24, 2005 11:37 PM

    Glad to see your back in action.

    How about those who can't use you're and your properly.

    Posted by: Jeff A at August 25, 2005 01:52 AM

    LOL at Jeff. My daughter is always correcting my use of good and well. Bugs the shit out of her. I tell her I do it on purpose just to bug her, but she knows better. *sigh* I hate it that she's smarter than me. I mean I. ;)

    Posted by: Keri at August 25, 2005 08:10 PM

    A week ago, Kman and I were dining at our favorite tex-mex place, Tres Hombres. The waitstaff is normally all hispanic, but that particular evening, we had a whiter than white boy as a waiter. Kman and I ordered Dos Equis on draft. Said Young White Boy was gone, and gone, and gone. Finally he returned empty-handed and told us that they did not have "Dos Equis", but they did have a brand called " Doss X". WTF?

    Kman tried not to be condescending, but explained to Young White Boy, that "dos equis" in Spanish IS Two Xs. Young White Boy just wanted to be sure we still wanted the beer, even though we had the name wrong. Whatever.

    Posted by: Cowtown Pattie at August 26, 2005 06:12 PM

    Thanks for mentioning the "I" and "Me" confusion. My mom never let me make that mistake- if I said "me and Brandi are going to the mall" she would say "really? Me is going to the mall?" It only took a few years of her saying it for me to catch on. Also, this whole country has a problem with the apostrophe- signs at stores that say "pear's" or "Halloween mask's"-you know what I mean.

    Posted by: elizabeth at August 26, 2005 09:36 PM

    It's like purchasing a "Get Good" card, isn't it now???

    (Listen! I hear nails on a chalkboard. Don't you??)

    She did it well.
    Oy, Matka Boja!

    Posted by: tina at September 3, 2005 12:22 AM

    LOL Stace - you had me in stitches because I agree with every single one of your gripes. They happen here believe it or not.

    Posted by: Michelle at September 4, 2005 05:11 PM