December 03, 2005

Godzilla-Dog

A guy in the building harbors an Irish Wolfhound. I heard about this dog from the leasing agent when we discussed our dogs, but she was just trying to get me to take the place ... you know, exaggerating so that I knew how "dog-friendly" the building really was.

I found some tracks in the first snowfall a couple weeks ago. They were 5 1/2 inches long. I kid you not. Seriously, I measured them. And they were fresh tracks, too, not the kind that melted, refroze, and then are claimed to belong to Bigfoot. The dog seemed to be real. The leasing agent wasn't prevaricating. How big was this dog?

Today, on our noontime excursion, we sighted the fucking-huge, monster dog, kind of cream colored, that must have been almost 4 1/2 feet tall at the shoulder. It was like obscured somewhat by the heavy snowfall, but I'm sure that I saw a dog and not a large pony. My three hell dogs reacted vociferously, barking like they had seen the god of all dogs. I don't know what they could have done to that dog ... it would have been like those little sucker fish on the belly of a shark.

And the shit from that thing ... the guy had to stoop down and lift from the knees so he wouldn't strain his back lifting the 33-gallon garbage bag full of crap. And the run-off from the dog pee ... I'm worried about the fucking Cuyahoga River. It's been almost 40 years since the river caught on fire; but if dog pee is combustible, we are in some serious trouble come summertime. The fish kill will be bad enough, even if the pee doesn't burn.

I thought I was safe from being accosted because I have three dogs. This guy could rob the bank down the street, and the police wouldn't bother him for fear he'd sic the huge beast on them. Its hide must be impervious to bullets, you know, like dinosaur skin.

On a three-dog night, this guy needs only this huge-ass dog to keep himself warm. Speaking of that, where does this dog sleep? It needs a king-size bed all by itself. And how much food does it eat? What kind of food does it eat? From the size of the bag of shit the guy was carrying over his shoulder, the dog must eat a 40-pound bag of dog food a day ... and the water bill has to be astronomical. And what happens if it is happy to see someone? Like a weird sister-in-law who has a stuffed dog comes to the door for a visit ... and it jumps on her ...

Posted by Bill at December 3, 2005 04:24 PM
Comments

Yeah, and probably farts that can peel paint, to be sure.

Posted by: Vicki at December 3, 2005 06:18 PM

Yeah well, the bigger the dog, the bigger the pile of shit.

And what do your darlings do when they see this humongous dog?

Posted by: lucy at December 3, 2005 09:27 PM

I love the doggie tails/tales!

We have Rusty, the half Rhodesian, half Boxer bundle of pure-hearted love and handsome Elvis lips, and then we have the rat terrier, Max, who is really a pocket rottweiler in temperament. He has this angelic sweet look in his eyes - just before he takes your hand off at the elbow...

Posted by: Cowtown Pattie at December 3, 2005 10:59 PM

LOL - you must try to get a photograph of it Bill.

Posted by: Michelle at December 4, 2005 04:16 PM

You used big words in your big dog post. I see a theme.

Posted by: KathyHowe at December 6, 2005 09:56 PM