Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

A Lesson in Physics

Because I try to keep my two or three regular readers apprised of the latest developments in PHYSICS, quantum mechanics, to be specific, I know that I drive away those infrequent visitors who come to the right half of this website (the left half if you're looking out) looking for the usual porn and golf-related advice; but that's the price I pay for not catering to the masses.

A few weeks ago, in some big news in the world of physics, a group of quantum mechanics did an experiment and would like us all to believe that they caused six (6) ... that's right, six ... beryllium atoms ... that's right, atoms ... to each spin in both clockwise and counterclockwise directions at the same time.

Yes, you did read that correctly. Close your eyes. Now, imagine Michael Jordan or LeBron James with a basketball on his fingertip, and the basketball is spinning clockwise and counterclockwise at the same time. Go ahead. Just Do It.

Who do these knucklehead physicists think we are, anyway?

But wait, I know that was a bad example. Here's the example the quantum physics guys give so that ordinary mortals might understand this concept: Your cat is in a closed box. You don't know if it's alive or dead before you open up the box. But, in fact, it is, just before you open the box to find out, both alive AND dead at the same time. And then opening the box makes the cat either alive or ... horrors! ... dead.

What kind of fucking stupid example is that? I scratch my fucking bald head and wonder what kind of fucked up education they have had to give such a goddamn stupid example. And cat lovers ... the cat lovers actually believe this kind of crap! These physics guys can't possibly say the same thing about dogs. A dog won't stay in a box like that unless it is dead. Ever try to close up a dog in a box?

We were stopping in Savannah on the way back from Florida ... Matt was at Space Camp, I think ... and I worked a deal at the Radisson for a three bedroom suite for something like 60 bucks (Matt's friends were with us), but we had Betsy, a boxer, with us, and I didn't, chickenshit that I am, ask if we could have a dog with us; so, we parked in the garage and I checked us in, returned to the van and decided to sneak Betsy into the hotel in a large travel bag. Trying to put a dog in a travel bag is something that I will never do again. She kept on sliding away from me and jumping out of my arms as I tried to get her into the proper position to put her in the bag; and she would not be coaxed by doggie treats, either ... she just would not go in the damn bag. One time, she like calmed down a little and I got her two back legs into the bag. Did you ever try to push a steel pole into dry concrete ... that would be easier than trying to push her front legs and head into the bag. She finally gave up, and she was going to let me put her in and zip up the bag, but that was just a dog trick. She stiffened and jumped out. Damn dog!

Stacey, in the meantime, while laughing her ass off along with the boys, called the front desk. Yes, one dog was permitted. Fuckin' shit. You gotta wonder why she didn't call sooner, except she was having too much of a laugh at my expense.

So, dogs don't go in boxes ... unless they're dead.

Okay ... back to the quantum physicists, who obviously do not own dogs ... these scientists want us to believe that they got these 6 particular beryllium atoms spinning in two directions at once ... beryllium, that's not like a fucking huge uranium atom, it's closer in size to ... well, nothing. That's how small it is, it's almost nothing, about half the size of an oxygen atom.

All right, I won't argue with these educated scientists about seeing 6 separate beryllium atoms, let alone seeing them spinning in opposite directions at the same time; but get this, they STOPPED one of the beryllium atoms as it was spinning in opposite directions at once. They stopped the spinning. This is a fucking atom, and they stopped the atom that was spinning in two directions at once. How could they see that?

And guess what happened ... at the very same instant, the other five atoms stopped spinning, too. Whoa!! Mind-blowing. Dude, it's like totally bizarre behavior for a group of atoms, don't you think?

Like I say, they are not dog people.

But that's physics. And they say I'm nuts.

Posted by Bill at January 27, 2006 05:29 PM