July 22, 2006

HOLDING ON BY MY FINGERNAILS

tomorrow is my 52nd birthday. mat and mel came in last night for the weekend. we met at danny boy's for pizza. jax said he'd join us for a family dinner tonight -- that he wanted to hang out with other a.a.ers after the meeting. he'd call and let me know what he was doing.

he said he was at applebee's. he didn't sound right. i asked him if he was high, and he said, "yes." he said he did it yesterday so we wouldn't be alone. that he needed to do this. that it was gonna be all right. "it's gonna be all right, mom." that he needed to go to jail or be taught a lesson in some other way. that he left his keys at home so that we wouldn't worry that he'd clean us out.

i told him not to come home, that he was out. he said, "i know." i turned off his cell phone service.

i know that it's all up to him, that there is NOTHING more we can do or could have done to stop this. if there was ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL we could have done, we would have done it. we would do it. the only thing we have left to do is to let him go. to let it happen.

please, god, please. please.

Posted by Stacey at July 22, 2006 09:49 AM
Comments

Just sent a reply email before I read this entry. Stace, my heart is in my throat along with your's being in your throat! God I wish there were something I could do--ANYTHING! It is no consolation I know, but I am with you! Please feel me with you...I love you!

Posted by: Trace at July 22, 2006 11:56 AM

Thinking of you!
-d

Posted by: -d at July 22, 2006 01:58 PM

A VERY happy birthday Stacey. Wishing you lots of love and happiness in the year ahead. ((( hugs )))

Posted by: Michelle at July 22, 2006 05:09 PM

I never comment on blogs that log my email, but I felt like I had to here. I have been reading for 3+ years. I am so sorry. You ARE doing the right thing, It has to be so hard to cut him loose, but it's time for him now, he is an adult, you have done all you can. I will pray for him and for you. I'm just so sad he wasn't strong enough to make it, to be clean. He WILL be fine, someday. His parents love and support him, someday, he will be OK. Love and strength to you all.

Posted by: Karen at July 23, 2006 01:26 AM

DOGDAMMIT!

I left you a comment yesterday...where'd it go!??!

*kicks computer*

I think I meant to say something profound like:

"Healing, loving and peaceful thoughts coming your way."

But my real comment was something like:

"sonofabitch....i'm speechless."

But I really am thinking of you guys. I'll call you later to check in. I'm in meetings ALLLLLLLL DAMN DAY.

*smooches*

Posted by: KathyHowe at July 24, 2006 01:44 PM