Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

MOM 101

one hopes that with age comes wisdom. pfffft. i know i had thought that i might have something to offer by this age. that i'd have some answers. all i've got is questions. maybe some observations. but no answers.

i like to read what young moms say on their blogs about being a mom. i started off on this blogging adventure with dooce. i ran across her site maybe 5 years ago (before marriage and motherhood for her). i e-mailed bill and matt the link to this cool "blog thing" i had discovered. bill thought it was cool, too. matt said "duhhh." whoops, i got off track a little bit there. point: i love, love, LOVE her "mom" observations. more to the point: i ran across a post by a young mom that got me thinking about the issue.

i thought about how i finally stopped worrying about that issue (i did at first) and decided that it would all work itself out as long as the kids experienced me. i think they learned that i was a stay-at-home mom cuz i wanted to be. i know they learned that i cooked because i love cooking. and i know they learned that i cleaned because i'm anal like that. they all learned to cook because they were required to help. they all learned to clean well because i'm anal like that. and even though i'm one hell of a cook (qualitatively and quantitatively), they saw bill as the cheesecake and cookie man of the family -- not to mention the fact that he cooks breakfast for me at least 4 or 5 days a week. point: these were roles we chose -- not sex-assigned or inferred.

when matt was 8 (jax was 4), bill went "out on his own." rented a small office in town; but for the most part, bill worked out of the house. so for the most part, we were both home for most of their young lives.

matt gave me the greatest compliment of my life about a year ago when he told me that he loves his work (he's working on his phD at osu in computer science) but that's not where he lives. he lives for picking up groceries on the way home and cooking and having a nice dinner ready for mel when she gets home. and that he may be a stay-at-home dad for a while after they have a baby. it all depends on what's going on in their careers and for whom it would work out easier and best. cuz that's important to him.

so matt got the cooking gene. and the "daddy" gene.

now, my observations on the drug-addict thing. i've said before that we've been damned good parents. shit happens. i was talking to matty about this today and now i want to put it to paper. i'm hyper sensitive to any hint that this is our failure as parents AND EVEN MORE SENSITIVE to hints that jax is a failure/coward/non-loving/immoral whatever. here's what i have to say about that. ever hear the phrase "monkey on his back?" i've heard it hundreds of times in my life and never thought one bit about the metaphor until i had a child with an addiction problem. think about it. a monkey climbing, scratching, screeching, making your life a freaking living hell. if you have even the slightest urge to feel self righteous, stop. make better use of your time -- not to mention your soul -- and think instead about starting each day giving thanks to whomever you give thanks that you or your children don't have that monkey on your/their back(s). because you/they have the luxury of being normal. whatever that means. go hug an addict or alcoholic in recovery. because THOSE are the people who are courageous. you have no clue how hard they must work every day of their lives (sometimes every freaking minute) to fight/ignore the monkey on their back.

and the not-loving-us thing? it's a great blessing to jax to have those of us loving him, pulling for him. and it's also the greatest curse. jax hates himself for disappointing/hurting us. i don't use those words lightly. he hates himself.

hang on jax. hang on.

Posted by Stacey at August 9, 2006 09:29 PM