bill and i picked up jax today and chauferred him to a court hearing on his inability to pay his fines while he's in treatment and not working. i guess being in treatment and not working is better than NOT being in treatment and not working.
can you tell i'm angry?
bill and i are both in this weird, PISSED-OFF stage. we are just soooo tired of all of this shit and, well, pissed off.
here's how i responded to an e-mail inquiry as to how j's doing:
Jax is doing ok. What do I really know? I'm just trying to deal with it, trying to learn to let go. bill and i are going to an al-anon meeting tomorrow. we have done EVERYTHING we can. unfortunately, we can't control the decisions he makes. it's up to him now. and, honestly? I don't know what he'll do. but i've got a lot of years -- and blessings -- ahead of me. and I want to be able to enjoy them. I can't be jax's rag doll anymore. i CAN'T let every bit of my happiness be completely dependent on where jax is in HIS life. so i need to learn to deal with it. he says he knows he wants to be clean for the next year. but he doesn't know if he really wants to be clean after that; so, i think, that until he makes a lifetime commitment to at least WANT IT, i need to work on distancing myself. sucks. cuz that's not really me. but it fucking is what it is. it's not fair to bill and matt and mel and to my future grandchildren to be dragged down by this one person. i owe something more to them. and to me. so i'm planning to work on that. and if he stays clean by making the right decisions, yay!
life sucks today. i don't know if i can do this.
Posted by Stacey at August 15, 2006 07:41 PMThe thing is, Stace, it isn't about you and Bill. As hard as that is to say... its even harder to hear... i'm sure. Letting go of Jackson is your only option... and letting go doesn't mean you stop loving him.
You are right, it sucks for both of you. It sucks for Matt and Mel as well.
Take strength in your life partner. Look at what you've been thru together and know... you have his back and he has yours and how damn lucky you both are in that fact alone.
Prayers are heading your way!
Love ya,
Dana
We (especially my husband) had to make the same decision regarding his brother. It was most difficult although, ultimately, the best decision for us. It was hard to accept we had made the right decision a few years later when he was no longer with us, but it was a choice he made and we've accepted that too. You never stop loving them...but you have to stop letting them dictate the state of your emotional well-being continously. You have to take back the control.
Posted by: daisy at August 15, 2006 10:25 PMHey sis ~ just got home and sent you an email. I didn't even look to see when you wrote this today. All I feel I can say right now, is I love you soooo much! Hopefully, we can talk soon. goodnight dear heart ~ sleep with angels!!
Posted by: Trace at August 15, 2006 11:45 PMThat was a really honest post. Be nice to yourselves, you deserve it.
Posted by: Anji at August 18, 2006 08:25 AMi hear you.
when clayton was using heroin, doug and i both tried so hard to sit on top of him, follow him around, police him. like he was a baby. like he wasn't a 30 something making his own bad decisions.
eventually we let go.
he'd crawl back, ask for help. his family was in philly, he couldn't call his mom. she didn't believe he was using heroin. "that's nice dear, but what are you doing to lose weight?"
we'd drive him to rehab. we'd drop him off. we'd call, we'd write.
he went into a 6 month clean house. and they let him have a field trip and he chose to come up by train and see me. he only had a little while, so we sat at the train station and waited for the train to come back and get him after it ran up the line another three stops.
you do what you can, but in the end -- he has to do what he can.
and you? and i -- accept the powerlessness.
hopefully yours will have a happy ending.
Posted by: christine at August 19, 2006 10:17 AM