1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable.
today we went to our first al-anon meeting. wait. that's not quite correct. we went 4 years ago to 3 or 4 or 5 when jax was newly sober and just 16. i didn't like it. i couldn't admit i was powerless over jax's addiction while he was still a kid. i had stuff to do as a parent. i had to have power.
now i'm in a different place. i'm pretty sure i'm mostly powerless, but i still believe in some small part of me that i can manipulate or affect jax to a commitment to sobriety. that's gonna be pretty hard for me to admit or believe. if it's true. and i'm pretty sure it must be true. but. BUT. i keep thinking that i'll come up with the perfect, magical thing to say to jax that will cause him to say, "HOLY SHIT! HOLY COW! WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING? of COURSE i want to be clean! of COURSE i can do it! thanks, mom! what would i do without you?"
but the fact of the matter is that i talk more than 3 people put together; and if he hasn't heard it by now, he needs to figure it out by himself. so, i'm gonna think and think and think on this, and i hope i'll believe it soon.
if this is a race to work these steps, bill's ahead by one. pffft.
Posted by Stacey at August 16, 2006 07:24 PMI don't know about that "not your typical mommy blog".... seems that your reactions are incredible typical. What mother wouldn't want to have the magic key to make their son/daughter stop hurting.
Hell, I've spent ALL freaking day dealing with kid issues from Brittany - Kenzie. I wanted to solve/say just the right thing for each and every freaking one of them.
The truth is, we are lead to believe if we just do this or that or what (the fuck) ever... our kids will be safe.
Its all a load of crap... we give our kids the tools to handle things as best as we can and how they use those tools, that's up to them. Parenting would be a whole lot easier if they'd just use them like we told them... but then, the world wouldn't be a diverse place and that would suck too!
(Please realize that I've dealt today with a teenage girl spinning out of control with anger. A son with a strong learning disability that wants to be homeschooled when I can't do it. And a daugther, who's first grade teacher couldn't tell a learning disability if it jumped up and bit him in the ASS and now I'm dealing with a second grade teacher that "might" think she's a "slow learner". So my comments might be a bit harsh.)
-d
Posted by: -d at August 16, 2006 10:13 PMI don't think Dana's comments are harsh. I also don't think you and Bill are typical parents at all. I know about typical parents. I tend to admire the a-typical parents more. Even though I know what Dana mean't. Though I jumped around a lot through the early years after college, I learned a great deal about parents and kids in the work I did. Then,later years, there was all the foster care Sam and I engaged in. Whew!! Stace,I have also visited al-anon meetings as well as AA. They are a good thing. In fact, I could benefit from those meetings again. "Letting go" is quite possibly the hardest AND easiest thing any of us do. Once we get there, we can't figure out why it took us so long. This is what I mean about the easy part. I thought it was crazy when someone told it to me. Now I know what they mean't. It is still a struggle, but you keep your eye on the relief part, k? Your feeling relief from the struggle is a good thing, and has nothing to do with any lack of love or concern on your part, for your son. You have proven your love for Jax, time and time again, I gather. He knows by now you love him. Your taking care of you can only make you stronger, and will help him grow. The best thing in the world is to put him in the hands of a higher power--whatever you believe that to be. I love you.
Posted by: Trace at August 16, 2006 11:04 PMAl-Anon has saved my life, I think. It's hard work, but the rewards are incredible. I am so glad I stuck with it!
Being a mom is so hard. How do we balance protecting them and letting them learn lessons the hard way? When they are tiny babies it all seems so hard, then they grow up and OH MY GOSH it is so much harder!
Hang in there. xoxox
Posted by: moonandsun03 at August 17, 2006 12:07 PMi never meant i wasn't typical. come to think of it, i haven't run across a "mommy blog" that hasn't dealt with difficult issues. so i guess my little joke was misplaced. i'll delete that comment.
and i will be harsh here (dana: you weren't harsh -- you're angry. not at me. i understand that!). no one -- NO ONE -- understands how difficult this is (to let go IN THIS WAY -- i'm not talking about the NORMAL letting go -- of your child) unless you've been through it. your child is not the same as a friend, sibling, parent, or ANYONE else.
and if LOVE could do it -- our love, jackson's love, jackson's knowledge of our love, it would be done.
i TOLD you i was angry.
Posted by: stacey at August 17, 2006 12:16 PMactually... i think even if you have had a child with similiar/same issues... the dynamics are different each time.
what's the saying... "walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me."
by the way, I'm still angry myself!
-d
Life should come with cliff notes.
Posted by: KathyHowe at August 17, 2006 02:54 PMI agree, KathyHowe. I somehow misplaced the manual that was supposed to come with my little punkin.
Posted by: moonandsun03 at August 17, 2006 03:38 PM