I trained my telescope on Pluto last night. You recall Pluto, which was the ninth planet in the solar system, with its three recently-discovered moons. As you know, Pluto is no longer a full-fledged planet after a couple hundred astronomers, who hung around the hotel where the International Astronomical Union held its convention until everyone else, believing there were 12 planets, left town and then counted the votes in true Bush v. Gore democracy-in-action fashion, throwing out the ballots of those who left.
As I reported to you yesterday, I was convinced that the sentient beings on Pluto, identified in a secret letter Carl Sagan sent to me right before he died, when they discovered that Earth had taken their planet status away, would attack. I thought that I would be reporting to you that Plutonian rocket ships had blasted off and were headed toward Earth to enforce Pluto's right to be called a planet. I was so sure of this that I had drawn what I had expected to see through my telescope, since nobody got me the camera attachment for the telescope to take accurately digitally record the event.
I spent the whole morning drawing diagrams and pictures and expected trajectories on my Levenger note cards and calculating when Plutonian warships with their advanced laser and atomic weapons would be in range of Earth. Of course, the sentient beings on Pluto have advanced laser and atomic weapons, since they have space ships that can travel to Earth. A friend of mine, who used to work for NACS, wrote a report describing the Plutonian technology and how all the data collected by actual experts, who might try to discredit my work, was totally inaccurate. The report is on "Namibia Astrologics and Cosmological Society" letterhead. What's not to believe about that. Namibia is a country in Africa, and NASA has a tracking station there. Larry already faxed the letter to a Japanese news reporter with whom he got a degree at the University of Berkley, all quite legit, who is going to turn it over to someone he knows at NASA.
That should get the ball rolling. An interplanetary war with that pesky planet Pluto! Ha! What a joke! We can roll right over that fucking iceball. Then on our way back to Earth, after spending way more than ever before, we can stick it to Uranus. President Bush would love it!
Posted by Bill at August 26, 2006 02:02 PM