Men have gone insane putting up outdoor Christmas lights. The government uses this particular torture technique in Guantanamo. Where we lived before, a guy up the street lost in what he perceived to be the Christmas light decoration contest and was discovered wearing women's clothes shortly thereafter. His wife divorced him. Lost his teaching job. Replaced in his golf foursome. His life went downhill from there, I guess. I saw him recently, bright red lipstick, nice calf-length suit ... I suppose he had made some sort of recovery.
In any event, he used nets. You know what I'm talkin' about -- well, they look like Christmas light nets. Instead of wrapping the strings of lights around and around and around your shrubbery, the lights taking on a more-or-less random arrangement, the Christmas light nets are draped over or around the bushes.
Unless you scatter several lighted fish in these nets, the Christmas light nets look like ... Christmas light nets cast over bushes or tied around shrubbery. The nets look plain fucking stupid.
And I know what you're saying, out loud if you use them because you have been driven insane in some prior year, or to yourself, "What does he know? That's just his opinion," even though you hear a tiny voice speaking to you, probably in the quiet of the middle of the night, maybe at other times, aloud or in your head, "Those GE 150 Count Multi-Color Pro Line Super Bright Net Lights look so fucking stupid. 'Pro Line,' my ass!"
It's okay. I understand. Denial is a defense mechanism. Maintain your tenuous grasp on your own particular reality in any manner you choose.
Posted by Bill at December 19, 2006 10:04 PMWell, I like all kinds of Christmas lights. They touch a place deep inside me - no, not that deep. Up and to the left - and make me a little happy. My favorites are the bigger, retro lights my Dad hangs. But I like the nets on his camellias too. When it comes to Christmas, I'm a simple guy. To each his own. Just light up somethin', 'cause it's dark out there.
Posted by: Kyle at December 20, 2006 03:36 AMDamn but you're funny!
Posted by: moonandsun03 at December 20, 2006 12:49 PMThere are advantages to a little seasonal bah humbug.
Posted by: Joel at December 20, 2006 04:39 PMHey, I really like that idea - lighted fish. Sounds a little religious - you know how they cast their net upon the water... and there were the few little baskets of loaves and fishes that fed the multitudes... huh. Yep. I like that idea.
And Kyle? You're right - light something up, 'cuz it's dark out there. What a great sentiment.
Posted by: Keri at December 21, 2006 02:40 PM