April 06, 2010


I'm not yet at the place in my life where I will re-visit tapioca. My mother made tapioca pudding. And as I recall, it was not just once in a while -- seems, on reflection, like every single day of my life I was eating tapioca pudding. And this was at a time when we were required to eat everything put in front of us.

"Think of those starving children in India!" my father would exclaim. And nobody dared to say to him that whether we ate tapioca pudding or not made no difference to the starving kid in Mumbai, which used to be called Bombay, by the way, just like Beijing used to be called Peking, after my sister refused to finish her dinner and he flung everything on her plate smack in her face. And in her hair. And on the wall -- where she was outlined with mashed potatoes and gravy and the stray green bean that stuck.

The coffee shop in our building has been serving bubble tea, bubble tea milk shakes, and all kinds of stuff like that. And being a regular, I am invariably told that I must try the bubble tea, the bubble tea milk shakes, and stuff like that.

I resist. I fear that the young woman behind the counter will throw it at me if I gag.

And just moments ago, I received an e-mail from the Rev. Jerry Larry. He does not want a donation from me, but has my fund. He is such a good guy, taking all necessary measures to ensure that I get what rightfully belongs to me. Here's the e-mail:

Its my pleasure to inform you that your consignment containing your fund(US$2.500.000.00 USD) has returned back to Benin because it has stayed more than necessary time and i went to SKYE bank to discus this with the bank director as its has not been delivered to you However he told me that your fund can be transfered to you via a direct wire transfer(KTT) into your bank account.

He told me to instruct you to contact the bank to apply for a direct wire transfer into your account to avoid loosing your fund.Therefore you can contact the bank with below information to enable the bank wire your fund online into your account.

Mr. Robert Johnson Williams
Director General Foreign Remittance,

SKYE Bank SA Towers,
Lot 308 Rue du Révérend Père Colineau 01
BP : 955 Recette Principale Cotonou
Tél: (+229) 99-75-98-73
Fax; (+229)98-56-70-58

E-mail: skyebankplc43@hosanna.net

On attention of Mr. Robert Johnson Williams,Director foreign payment SKYE bank Du Benin Send an email to the bank with the above bank email and apply for your wire transfer as i have informed the bank about you already.On receipt of your fund into your account endeavour to inform me immediately.

Have a nice day from DHL shipping company we decide to order our agent to return back from san diego airport because we confirm that the customs was requesting for high clearance fee and we thought that wiring the fund into your account in a truthful way will be cheaper so our agent returned on Friday evening, so your fund was deposited with SKYE bank this afternoon for online transfer of your fund into your account.

Yours Faithfully

This money would have come in very handy a few months ago when I was attacked while in London by muggers, who stole all my money and credit cards and my cell phone; and I couldn't pay my hotel bill. Fuckers. I am being honest with you when I tell you that I have no recollection of that happening -- complete amnesia after a beating like that is rare, but is possible according to the doctors in the movies.

I really don't need the money. I assume I came by "my fund" when I was in London because I don't remember anything about it. That's the only thing I can figure. Funny how amnesiacs find out information.

So, if you want to get the money, be my guest. If this was from some man or woman in Nigeria, I'd say it was a scam; but this is from a man of the cloth. Why would he lie?

Posted by Bill at April 6, 2010 02:02 PM

Why indeed.

Sometimes I'm embarrassed because there are so many 0000s in my inheritances (I get a lot), I’m not sure how much money I’ve been left.

As a lawyer perhaps you could tell me what I should do about the threatening letters I’ve getting from the FBI? I haven’t dared to open them so far.

Posted by: Anji at April 8, 2010 02:13 AM

Ummm. Tapioca. Pleasantly reverent Sir, I don't know what bubble tea is, but if you'd like to wire via most earnestly well securely established means my rightful shares of tapioca, I would very most happily instruct my principles to expect and dispose of same.

Posted by: Kyle at April 16, 2010 01:20 AM