Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

THE REFRIGERATOR

I'M CHEATING HERE AND REPOSTING SOMETHING FROM MY OLD BLOG SITE. THIS POST PROMPTED LUCY TO DARE BILL TO GET THE BEAST OUT OF THE BASEMENT. I THINK KATHY HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT, TOO. HE DECIDED HE WOULD FINALLY DO IT. THE EVENING ENDED WITH A CALL TO THE FIRE DEPARTMENT. THEY BROUGHT THE BIG PUMPER, AN AMBULANCE, AND THREE (OR WAS IT FOUR?) POLICE CARS. I'VE ALSO INCLUDED A COUPLE OF THE COMMENTS FROM THIS POST.

bill's bugging me about when i'm going to update my blog. he says it's cuz he likes my writing, but he can't fool me. i know what he's looking for. he wants a contest. he thinks that i think he was "just being nice" putting that counter on my blog. whatever. i'll show him. i'm gonna write about the refrigerator.

the refrigerator in our kitchen died, oh, i don't know... MAYBE 10 YEARS AGO. and so bill somehow -- my memory fades -- transferred this refrigerator to the basement. i think he needed to make sure it was dead, and the only way to do that is to do what he does with EVERYTHING in the house HE wants to make sure is destroyed (the basement floods over and over again) is to PUT IT IN THE BASEMENT. so after a year or so, when he was sure it was dead and not coming back, i asked him (i'm sure i asked him nicely the first two or three hundred times -- i can't be sure about the next SEVERAL THOUSAND) if we could, please, please get it out of the basement and trash it. "sure. i'll do it."

at some point (maybe in year three. up to that point, it was just laziness), this became a contest of wills. a contest i have to admit that i AM losing. bill says "sure" EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I ASK. or demand. whatever. i'm entitled. tell me i'm not.

but... goddamn it. sometime in year 9 or 10, the refrigerator started making noises like it was TRYING to work. but then stopped again AFTER THE LAST FLOOD. you ask him why he's kept the thing plugged in all these years -- i'm not getting into that fight. maybe it has something to do with the directive he gave me about how if he was ever in a coma, i was NOT to accede to any pressure to disconnect ANYTHING. he'll die when he's good and ready. so, you see why i won't bring THIS up to him. it will just be an excuse for him to maintain a philosophical position on this. like "i won't be responsible for disconnecting the fridge. it's in a coma."

and it's not like he needs to schedule somebody to come over to help him. well for sure NOW he doesn't. the "kids" are 17, 21, and 22. when the fridge was first moved to the basement, they were A LOT younger, so, yeah, he probably did need help.

so. here's my problem. i need you (all three of you, and that's probably counting bill) to go to his site, and leave a comment to get the fucking, dead thing outa the g-d basement. i know we'll need the haz-mat team to inspect it (at least SOME OF the living organisms inside of it must be toxic). i promise never to bring it up again. he will have WON the refrigerator war, right? is that not enough? does he want to KILL me?

THE COMMENTS:

lmFao! hahahaha.

you see, there are several reasons why the fridge must stay downstairs.

i present you with the top ten:

1. you're right about the coma.
2. it's heavy.
3. when we're home from school, we want to spend quality time with YOU, not the stupid refridgerator!
4. decor - we want the basement to look like an haunted mental hospital, and it's in the area where the kitchen or operating room used to be (we haven't decided yet - we're still waiting on the rusted gurney).
5. storage. we know how obsessed you are with storage space, and we can't bear to throw away such a unique storage unit!
6. pete called us and told us he wanted us to hang on to it. his next rock-opera involves a song set in an 80's kitchen and he wants to use it as a prop.
7. it costs less to keep it in the basement than to haul it somewhere - we're acting on orders from management, man.
8. the dude wouldn't take it out, so why should we?
9. it left no living will or power of attorney.
10. we're just too damn lazy.

Comment By: matt 1/29/2003 12:57:00 AM

***

The Dude abides.

Comment By: Billy 1/30/2003 12:30:00 AM

Posted by Stacey at August 28, 2003 07:44 PM