Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

BOOK 'EM DANO!

another cheat / repost. she's been on my mind a lot lately. for a lot of reasons.

my mom was a verrry difficult person. our relationship was extremely difficult, to say the least. she was a drunk (alcoholic seems too delicate a term to describe mary alice -- m.a.) my entire life, and a cocaine addict to the very end. she stole from many people, let her children down too many times to count, and was probably the most selfish person i ever knew. but when she died, i knew what it felt like to be a motherless child.

she was MY mom. and my darling sisters' mom, mother of two sons, one of whom she gave up for adoption -- but is THE SPITTING IMAGE (i am not kidding about this) of the brother she did keep (born 5 years later).

she was gorgeous. she loved music and could speak very knowledgeably about the subject. she had the greatest sense of humor, the most raucous laugh, and was a loyal friend. she was born to two more drunks -- i don't know if they ever married or really what became of them -- mysteries i'm not sure SHE even knew the answers to. she was born in 1926 and was immediately taken in by her 18-year old uncle, who along with his formidable irish, catholic mother, took to raising the baby. uncle jim (as we always called him) was a very devout catholic to whom my mother was devoted. uncle jim married and had three children of his own; and though he loved m.a. dearly and raised her right along with his family, she never felt that she belonged anywhere. uncle jim became a prominent businessman and philanthropist to his church and community, and mary alice grew up with many comforts. she was indulged in many ways, but never felt really cherished.

when she met my father, she was well on her way to establishing herself as "the life of the party." what a party and ride it would be. my father came into the very young marriage with a baby daughter, and they soon had three more daughters. mom could not find a way to show love to her daughters, let alone her step daughter. it was an ugly time for many years. my mother always worked as a barmaid -- the perfect line of work for her. she charmed the patrons and drank right along with them -- every night to drunkenness. during this time, drunk and alone in the bar after work one night, she was beaten, raped, and thrown down a long staircase, which left her with even more emotional pain and a broken back. it was during these early years that she met who would become her second husband (but not until many years later) and the father of her two sons. he was also a drunk. but boy could he party. by that time, my father who was also a drunk but evidently not as much fun, was becoming a "real drag."

there was the next phase where m.a. and joe (only boyfriend at that time) drank constantly. we lived for a period of time (three girls and the two "adults") in a downtown "flophouse" hotel, with the rest of cleveland's almost-homeless drunks and a large number of cleveland hookers. fun time. one room, 5 people. my sisters and i made sure we were never in the elevator alone. joe and m.a. went from job to job (i suspect uncle jim helped out more than a few times) or unemployment check to unemployment check. we girls spent a lot of time alone -- family quality time didn't exist because if joe and m.a. weren't working (which was pretty rare), they were out drinking.

we then moved to the "suburbs" to an apartment (my younger sister and i were to be there for only a short time), where a baby boy was born and then was shortly gone. we never talked about it. i was 9 by this time, p.j. was 8. one day at school, our real dad showed up. non-custodial parent abduction time.

by this time, dad was back with his first wife living in florida. we were on a plane within hours, a grand adventure. but dad's wife wasn't THAT thrilled to have p.j. and me along for the ride. dad and wife ALSO both drank, but at least we lived in a house (and stayed in the same school) until "mama" decided she'd had enough.

back to ohio with mom and her now husband (but best of all reunited with big sister, j.m., who was not parentally abducted as she was sick and out of school on the big day 15 months earlier). m.a. and joe had both been through rehab (on uncle jim's dime), and were trying to make a life. i'm not sure my mom EVER stopped drinking, "step-dad" did; but being a drunk was probably one of his most ENDEARING qualities. i'm not gonna say anything more about that. this may sound (or have looked on the outside) as the most idyllic phase of our lives, but it was not the waltons, believe me. mom seemed to hate us, we felt that way always. we tried and tried to make her happy and love us --never seemed to work.

another son (this one they kept), shit teenage years, divorce, and freedom for us as we turned 18.

mom NEVER found happiness or sobriety. p.j. always kept mom in her life, i took as much as i could and built walls and tore them down when i felt comfortable doing so, felt like I WAS THE ONE IN CONTROL NOW, and j.m. (big sis) had a very rocky, yet somehow more connected, relationship.

through all this, i know one thing: my mom loved us. she just could not figure out HOW to do it. at her funeral, one of uncle jim's daughters (who loved m.a. dearly) told us, "now she'll be able to love you the way she never could." i'm the kind of person who believes that.

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before mom went into the coma that finally led to her death, she was in the hospital room hooked up to all kinds of tubes and wires (she had had most of one lung removed in an effort to treat her lung cancer). p.j. and j.m. walked into the room where hawaii 5-0 was on the tv, mom looked at them and said (with great difficulty, but very clearly), "book 'em dano!" i think these were her last words.

i love this story. i loved her, but i don't know if she ever really knew that, as i don't think she ever believed she was lovable. i KNOW she loved me, and i feel her loving me now.

Posted by Stacey at September 8, 2003 06:34 AM