Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

There, right in front of me, as I walked past the cash machine, was the merchandise display of all merchandise displays, Nirvana in my mind, the Halloween candy display. And prominently featured was the best candy made on the inner planets, CANDY CORN. I know, I know -- this should not be so. It does not contain any chocolate but candy corn cannot be beat as the best -- I am sure that Consumer Reports has done so many tests on this kind of stuff that the Consumer Union does not even include candy corn in the testing, being, after all, far and away the best.

I have noticed that renegade candy corn makers have tried to improve upon the recipe by adding chocolate to the mixture, making the smallest, top layer the standard white, the next layer orange, of course, and the wide, bottom, chocolatey brown. This combination, while seemingly appealing to the great massive market of chocolate lovers, causes some strange mutation in the flavor of the candy corn.

I believe that the CCMU (Candy Corn Manufacturers of the Universe) has filed some kind of heavyweight trademark infringement suit, resulting in the white, orange, and brown abomination being termed, rather crudely, "Indian Corn." The stuff, the strange-tasting and worse-smelling white, orange, and brown amalgam has been proven to activate the gag reflex in infants -- I have seen it used in delivery rooms, mainly when the mothers have been under anesthesia and the infants are rather lethargic at birth.

The only candy corn that has earned the right to be called "candy corn" is the white, orange, and yellow waxed confection. It actually has no flavor other than the sweetness apparently detected by the taste buds. The colors are totally artificial with nothing natural added; so, there is nothing to cause spoilage. And whether there is even any sugar in the candy is a matter of great debate. Some experts assert that candy corn is totally artificial.

Now, I actually detest candy corn fresh from the bag. Candy corn is, like a good Scotch, best when aged for many years in the open plastic bag it came in. This is a difficult thing to do inasmuch as tiny hands tend to find the candy corn and stick it in the tiny mouths attached to them. There is something about the richness of the white, orange, and yellow colors that attracts children, who will consume mass quantities of this sweet heaven.

So, finding aged candy corn is like finding fine aged Scotch, well, wherever my mother-in-law stayed (You know that the plural form of the noun is mothers-in-law, and I was going to say at her house; but I couldn't figure out if it's "mother's-in-law" or "mother-in-law's," the former seeming to be correct and the latter seeming to sound better. I couldn't find it in The Deluxe Transitive Vampire; so, c'est la guerre.).