Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

THE JACKAL -- OLD POST

when i first started blogging, a lot of what i wanted to write about was what follows here. mostly for myself. but i knew that bill had some readers, and there would likely be some people reading this kind of stuff. and really, i wanted to write about the journey. so i asked jax what limits he wanted to set in terms of what we wrote about him. by this time (january of this year), he had been comfortable enough to talk to almost anybody about this subject, so he told us there were no limits. i'm posting this again because this is a HUGE part of who we are and what we've been through as a family. i wanted to post it again because we seem to be getting a lot of traffic from new people lately (hi! to all you newer readers!), and thought this might fill in some gaps.

bill and i have three children. We are more grateful than we can say for these “gifts.” matt is 21 and a senior computer science major in college. he is brilliant, compassionate, loving, funny, and handsome. he’s going to graduate late this year, marry in august, continue his teaching assistant and research assistant work for the next year and a half. he and his future wife are planning to continue their schooling by pursuing phd’s in their respective fields.

mark is 22 (he is not our “real” son, but has been a part of our family since he was 15 when his father took a job overseas. his mom lives overseas also). he is an electrical engineering major (i think he’s a senior, but he’s been co-oping; so i’m not sure). he’s loving, thoughtful, funny, determined, and hard-working. he’s been a blessing in all of our lives.

jackson is 17 and is home-schooled. he’s a gifted guitarist, loving, compassionate, creative, and just a sweetie. he is also a recovering drug addict.

when we found out a year ago about jackson’s use of drugs, we decided along with his drug counselor that out-patient treatment was the way to go at that point. in spite of jax’s powerful cocaine problem, insurance required that out-patient treatment was necessary before in-patient could be approved. we weren’t sure about this, but john, jax’s counselor who had previously run an adolescent addiction treatment unit in our area, felt that the holidays were the WORST time to hospitalize a kid. short-staffing problems, due to vacations, and depression because of family separation were big problems. he suggested that we (jackson) start the out-patient treatment, with the option of in-patient long-term treatment if jackson relapsed. that was the deal we made.

the holidays last year were verry difficult. both bill and I were devastated, matt and mark were very angry and not sure that we had made the right decision in not hospitalizing jackson, and jackson was struggling mightily. not a good time. we kept a very close reign on jackson. as bill works out of the house, he was able to be there with jax. If he had to be away, jax would go with him (unless jax was at work). in february, jackson was fired from his job. at that point, we realized that his life wasn’t working, and we HAD to do something.

on that day we told jackson that we were looking for the proper treatment facility for him. we started searching the internet and right away decided that a wilderness treatment facility looked best for jackson. two days later, bill had a hearing in federal court that he needed to attend alone. we decided it would be safe to leave jax home alone for two hours as I was only 20 minutes away at work and would keep in near constant contact. when I called home and didn’t get an answer, within 10 minutes I was on my way home (hysterically crying all the way). i continued to call all the way home, as did bill, who was also on his way home by this time. no answer. i pulled into the garage, got into the house, screaming jax’s name all the way in. when I stepped foot in the door, I heard a moan. screamed again to try to get another response. he moaned from the floor of the downstairs bathroom. he was passed out on the floor, wedged up against the door. i continued to scream to try to rouse him. i had my cell phone in my hand, but bill’s phone was busy. calling me on the home phone a long way away from the door that i felt i could not leave. my phone rang. bill. told him what was happening. “call 9-1-1!” i hung up to do so, but jax roused and got to his feet at that moment. “what’s going on??? did you take something???” “no, i didn’t feel good, came into bathroom to throw up, and must have passed out!” shit. on the way to an entire day at the hospital, where after 6 hours, blood tests confirmed alcohol and another interesting substance. looked like a cold medication, the doctor said.

so he got shit-faced on alcohol that morning. we found out much later that he had stolen a bottle of gin from the grocery store during a break at work.

but the cold medication. hmmm. I couldn’t remember j having been sick in the last couple of months. here comes the truth as jax knows he’s on his way. somewhere.

robitussin d-m. if you’ve got it in your house with your teen-aged kids, throw it out. we didn’t know this, the kids know it though. drink a bottle (yes a bottle), and it feels like an l-s-d trip. yummy. jax’s addiction / need for drugs was so powerful that this fit the bill perfectly! lunch break at work, walk next door to the drug store, “yank” a couple of bottles, or maybe even buy it, and you’re hooked up.

found the perfect place. aspen achievement academy in southern utah. these people are angels on earth. believe me.

we were sending our baby away for at least 7 weeks to utah. the only flights we could find connected in cincinnati. what a leap of faith that was! put him on a plane in cleveland, pray he’d get on the connecting flight in cinci to salt lake city, where he’d be met at the plane by somebody from aspen and under CONSTANT supervision for the next 7 weeks. i can’t even write about what aspen meant for jackson. these people saved his life and opened his eyes to what life could mean for him. after 5 weeks of therapy and treatment at aspen, the psychologist told us that jackson’s problem was so huge that they met and felt that residential treatment (at least a year) was necessary. the only alternative was COMPLETE devotion on our part to jackson’s recovery. yes! yes! we would do ANYTHING!

when we brought jackson home, EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of his life was supervised. there was no hearing, deposition, meeting, ANYTHING that bill attended that jax didn’t tag along. unless he was here at work with me. intensive out-patient treatment, a.a. meetings took up every single evening of jax’s life. when he graduated from iot, he filled in the empty days with MORE a.a. meetings. no one – no one – has worked harder to fix themselves than this boy.

he wanted to be in school again to be with other kids, and have some kind of normal life. we found a school, but in early august, he told us that he couldn’t stay sober AND go to school. knew that if he wanted to stay sober, he’d have to give up the idea of a normal life.

we will not, have no reason to, feel shame. this child was a gift to us from god. his addiction was a gift to him from god. god said “fix yourself or die, buddy.” so he’s decided to fix himself.

he goes to meetings every single day. oh wait. once in a while he spends a saturday night with US. he is a deeply spiritual, caring, completely giving young man. completely sober. believes that god must love him so much to have given him this past year. god does. and so do we.

Posted by Stacey at September 16, 2003 03:17 PM