Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

You would think that in this day and age batteries would be included with the Pull My Finger Farting Santa (HA-27445). The Farting Salt & Pepper Shakers (HA-27059) come with a supply of batteries. Why not Santa? And why not Pull My Finger Mr. President (HA-27266), who punctuates his remarks, such as “Hey, Saddam, here’s a weapon of mass destruction!” with “pungent presidential farts?” The real phone that “Farts Instead of Rings!” (HA-34712) doesn’t need batteries, but the Farting Wall Clock (HA-24405) does. The Old Fart Gift (HA-27657) includes a battery for the Old Bag of Gas, but not for the accompanying Little Windy Fart Fan.

Actually, these items make up only about half the items in the catalog. For NASCAR fans, there’s the checkers set (HA-27414) and other items. Orange County Chopper fans can purchase shirts and hats.

The Hidden Book Camera (HA-26205) is on sale, just in time for the holidays, but the Clock Radio Surveillance Camera (HA-20613) is not – two of the pricier items in the catalog. But what price freedom and security? 175 billion dollars? No, less than 200 each; but they do not record sound. The telephone tap detector, a standard for years (HA-25053), is still a bargain at $14.98; and no batteries are needed.

The T-Shirt Shop has everything anyone would need. No, don’t be looking for your Ohio State sweatshirt here – I’m talking about the made-from-U.S.-fabric “You must’ve fallen into a big pile of dumb-shit” T-shirt (HA-27192), or a T-shirt from the pick-up line-up, “Let’s Play Carpenter! First we get hammered, then I nail you” (HA-27776).

For those scientists in the crowd -- and why more people haven’t caught on to the well-spring of knowledge in the catalog, I don’t know -- for just slightly more money than the Monthly Dog Doo Calendar (HA-27410), learn about Time Travel: A How-To Insider’s Guide (HA-21882). With these time-tested techniques, you will be able to “visit the past or future whenever you choose.” How about Invisibility and Levitation? You can do it for $14.95 (HA-21044)!

You can buy an acre of land on the Moon (HA-26408) for the same price that you can discover the secret world of the Freemasons on video (HA-9079), but you should know that you can own an acre of the Pacific Ocean floor midway between California and the Hawaiian Islands for much less (HA-25049).

The “Classic Stocking Stuffers” include the “best gag ever” X-ray Glasses (HA-27685), the fake nose and glasses (HA-4384), the Snake Candy Can (HA-23675), and my favorite, “the original, full-size, full-color” Rubber Chicken (HA-3045)

And you don’t have to spend a fortune, either. For 99 cents, you can get Fart Powder (HA-22666), or Bloody Mouth Candy (HA-22670), or Dog Mess (HA-2999), or Fake Bullet Holes (HA-2246), or a set of two Fart Whistles (HA-2403), or the delicious-tasting-with-fragrant-after-effect Fart Candy (HA-22669), or the ever-popular Whoopee Cushion (HA-2953), 5-sticks-per-pack Pepper Gum (HA-22667), and Imitation Vomit (HA-2636).