mark posted this week about his feelings about sex. the comments were really interesting. i’ve thought a lot about some of them, and i’m compelled to write about some of my thoughts here. sucks to be you. sorry.
first of all, two of the commenters referred to the mythical concept of “one true love.” they didn’t believe in it and, therefore, felt that this “excused,” indeed, compelled (if you have a brain cell in your head) sexual relations that arose out of a non-committed and no-emotions-involved relationship. i’m not going to go into how i feel about sex between non-“involved” partners (cough. i think it’s bullshit.). i’m going to talk about the concept of “one true love.”
i will have been married for 30 years this june to my high school sweetheart. i also don’t believe in the “one true love” idea.
don’t get me wrong. i love this man dearly. i can’t imagine loving any man more. as i’m sure you’ve noticed, he’s brilliant, funny, compassionate, honorable. and much, much more. he challenges me, entertains me, and loves me.
he’s committed, as am i. we chose to make a life together a long time ago. i knew that he was a man (not much more than a boy, really) who had the capacity to commit to this life (and the ability to be happy in that), and i thought he’d be worth the work that would be involved to make that commitment last. i think that’s the trick. it’s not magic. you need to commit only to a person that is worthy of your commitment. and then make yourself worthy, too. falling in love is the easiest freaking thing on earth to do. passion and great sex are easy. loving someone is hard. i’m not talking about loving as in how you feel – i’m talking about loving as in what you DO. how you honor your partner, your commitment. it’s hard. some days you do it well, some days you’re ok, some days you fail miserably.
i think we’ve had a relatively happy, successful marriage. it’s NOT been perfect. it’s been downright terrible at times. horrible. what’s kept us going has been our respect and honor for each other AND our commitment to each other. i’ve got faith that that will help us through whatever comes along. i know he’s worth it, and *i* sure as hell am.
i don’t believe for one second that we couldn’t have been happy with other partners. i’m glad i chose THIS man, however. i try to think about what that choice means everyday.
Posted by Stacey at January 9, 2004 08:53 PMWell.
Shit.
I'm so bitter on love and relationships I should probably just bite my tongue but I won't.
All I have to say is...well...Stace...right now as much as I think love sucks, I also think you are right.
Right about sex in non-involved relationships. I just really think that there has to be SOMETHING there. Something if sex is going to happen. How do you have sex and NOT have ANY emotions for that person. I think...I know...that couldn't be me.
I also have a hard time believing that there is one true love for everyone. I don't believe that. I believe people change and grow and fall in and out of love their entire lives. Marriage is a commitment that is not just about love. It is about so much more. Marriage is hard work and it takes two people to be equally concerned about themselves and their partner for life for a marriage to work.
A marriage is not about me, me, me it is about us, us, us and my hat goes off to you and Billy for being a shining example that marriages do last and people do work together and people do make mistakes and people do apologize for them and people do accept apologies and people do laugh together and get lattes together and learn from their day and adjust so tomorrow is better than today...damn...
stace.
this was arfing therapeutic.
thanks.
Posted by: Kathy Howe at January 10, 2004 12:20 AMi'd be interested in what people who have orthodox religious backing (judeo-christian?) feel about one true love. i know for many of my friends a marriage is not only about man -- woman, but it involves their higher power as well. in effect they aren't marrying into families, but into religions as well. for the devout, ALL action in the relationship is based on that.
how does the pious [wo]man differ about this topic than myself, for example?
Posted by: mark at January 10, 2004 12:02 PMare you saying i'm ot a pious wo-man, mark?
Posted by: stacey at January 10, 2004 12:46 PMwell, you're not orthodox, are you?
Posted by: mark at January 10, 2004 02:10 PMStacey, I agree with you. I don't believe in one true love and I think the Hunter and I could have been just as happy with others. That doesn't mean I don't love him and am glad we're together. The flip side is that even though he and I have our problems, so would we have problems with others we were with if we hadn't met up. He's my one and only, but we didn't wait for the wedding, we didn't even wait until we knew there was going to BE a wedding, but we sure waited until we knew we were something special to each other. He had a little more previous experience than I did, but it was in another caring relationship, and I think that made a difference in how we dealt with each other. Sex is so much more than sex. STDs, kids, if you have sex without caring you can find yourself in some bad positions, and often it's the kids who pay. Just my $.02.
Posted by: TW at January 10, 2004 08:55 PMtw: you bring up an interesting point -- and i hope i didn't leave the wrong impression. i hope you don't think i'm saying sex outside of MARRIAGE is bullshit. that kind of weirds me out even just typing it. you put it really nicely, tw, "but we sure waited until we knew we were something special to each other."
i love all of your two cents, people!
Posted by: stacey at January 10, 2004 09:14 PMNo Stacey, I didn't read it like that. I thought you were saying just what I did.
Posted by: TW at January 10, 2004 09:23 PMYou and Bill are truly blessed.
Posted by: Michelle at January 11, 2004 01:44 PM"loving someone is hard. i’m not talking about loving as in how you feel – i’m talking about loving as in what you DO."
Perfectly said. I wish a couple of people in my past would have understood that concept.