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Primer on Grocery Shooping

I arrived in Cincinnati early; so, I thought I’d relax a little by writing something. They have Kroger’s grocery stores in Cincinnati. Kroger’s was the first grocery store I can remember. It was well before the turn of the century and before Kroger’s closed up shop in our area. As you know, if you are a long-time reader, I like to go grocery shopping by myself. I find it a relaxing experience in which I can lose myself, using old math skills in determining the best price of similar items and trying to discern comparative nutritional values of competing brands and then, by some formula that cannot be translated into any meaningful expression, choose the best item on that particular day… or night, because the night season is the best time to accomplish this task.

This type of shopping, contemplative shopping, can't be accomplished if one brings children along. That's more like play time, what with racing shopping carts and skidding around corners and doing donuts. And contemplative shopping can't be done when one is in a hurry. And it cannot be done when one has a shopping partner who does not have the same philosophy of making grocery shopping a zen-like experience, especially one with a ... shopping list.

I do not mean to imply that one cannot ever enjoy a particular shopping experience when there exists a list; however, the shopping list is, undeniably, a disabling, if not deadly, blow to an enjoyable shopping experience, especially for two individuals of different schools of grocery-shopping philosophy.

It should always be remembered that a shopping list is an expression of personal preference, in most cases, highly personal and nothing with which to trifle. By questioning the highly personal preference expressed on the list of another, one certainly exposes oneself to, at the very least, severe ridicule and might, indeed, jeopardize life or limb.

Let me clarify this by example, if I may. For instance, "walnuts" is scrawled as a part of the definitive shopping list on the back of a business card by one's shopping partner. Being aware of the recent purchase of walnuts and that the walnuts were stored in an airtight container, one might, in the interest of saving time and money, draw attention to the abundance of walnuts stored in the house, by asking, "I think we have walnuts at home, don't we?" In positing the query in such a manner, one should have weighed the known competing considerations.

If an error in one's analysis has been made, a contemptuous glance by the list maker in one's direction is oftentimes the non-verbal reply. Popular thought dictates a shrug as one's appropriate response, whereupon any possible confrontation is avoided. Seeking an explanation of the non-verbal reply invites swift, inexorable retribution in the form of a severe rebuke, such as, "There's a reason I put it on the fucking list. I want fresh walnuts," which could be interpreted as putting one on notice of who is in charge and who is along to pay the bill, thereby raising one's dander more so. Consider this, however. There may be other forces, unknown and likely unknowable, at work upon the list maker. I suggest that you move on to the next item on the list. Don't take it personally.

To further elucidate and, indeed, take it one step beyond, scribbled on the same list is "whipping cream." Being aware of the recent purchase of whipping cream and that the whipping cream is adequately refrigerated, one might, in the interest of saving time and money, draw attention to the volume of whipping cream stored in the house, by asking, "I think we have whipping cream at home, don't we?" In positing the query in such a manner, one should have weighed the known competing considerations.

"I didn't know that. Cross it off my list," she says in a lilting voice. Like I said, unknown and unknowable forces are at work; and one should never assume to know what one doesn't know. And don't take it personally.

Like I said before, I like to go grocery shopping by myself.

NEXT: Primer on Putting Up the Christmas Tree

Posted by Bill at December 9, 2004 11:41 PM