Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

Goldfish

I stopped in to buy some milk at the store. I happened to go down the snack aisle, and a huge question was presented to me.

Evolution. I used to be one of those Alfred- Russell- Wallace- evolution- by- natural- selection theory kind of guys. When confronted with a question from one of "those" people who thinks that God is out there messing with the world, I pulled out from my wallet a crease-worn picture of the dark-colored speckled moth against a birch tree, made dark by the pollution in England, and explained how in the 1840's, 95% of the moths were white with gray speckles and blended in to the white birch trees and the rest were gray with white speckles and they were eaten by various birds, and how as the coal-burning darkened the birch tree bark with soot, the white speckled moths became easy targets for birds and the dark speckled moths began to blend in, survive, and flourish. In 1950, the dark-colored speckled moths comprised 95% of the moth population. Surprisingly, with the reduction in pollution, the white speckled moths are now making a comeback with about 30% of the moth population.

Yeah, yeah, yeah ... right. What kind of fucked up thinking is that?

There I was this evening in the snack aisle confronted by an array of Goldfish, the likes of which I had never imagined.

I was familiar with the Original Goldfish, the Cheddar Goldfish, and the Pizza-flavored, but there were Calcium Cheddar and Reduced-Sodium Cheddar for the health-conscious, Pretzel, and Parmesan, Giant Cheddar, Flavor-Blasted Cheddar, which is claimed to be "Color-Changing," whatever that means, Pizza, BBQ Cheddar, which sounds pretty nasty, and Nacho. I saw Goldfish Crisps in Cheddar Jack, Cheesy Sour Cream and Onion, and Four Cheese flavors. And what the hell are Goldfish Colors? Then I saw Goldfish with green shit on them. Don't ask me what it is all about. That seems all alien-like to me, and I was afraid to pick up the foil bag. Foil. Who would have dreamed of this? And if you had, you would have been involuntarily committed to some institution ... any judge would have ordered it.

How could evolution through natural selection account for this? People can't like all of these Goldfish. For chrissake, it's as if the company that makes Peeps and all Peep monstrosities bought out the Goldfish Division of Pepperidge Farms and started on this slippery slide to lunacy.

Peeps ... Goldfish ... Barry Bonds ... what's next? I may turn my back on natural selection and take a closer look at ... creationism.

Come to think of it ... why, oh, why did the American League start using the designated hitter ... that's the root of all of this ... evil. It's the only possible explanation.

Posted by Bill at February 24, 2005 09:37 PM