Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

Artificial Tree

I needed to get an artificial tree because we can't have a dead live tree in the loft ... something about a fire hazard. And Stacey said she wanted a ten-footer. Did you know that Costco and Sam's Club already sent their artificial trees back to storage. The guy said that people who buy artificial trees "always ... well, almost always get them before today." It seems that the buying habits of artificial tree buyers and live tree buyers are different ... who knew. He said we were going to have a hard time finding anything.

I went to a place, while Stacey called around to various places to see about the stock and quality of artificial Christmas trees ... a large local garden center that was advertising on an electronic billboard near the Ontario Street exit of the Innerbelt ... and it didn't have anything over 9 1/2 feet for about 200 bucks more than I wanted to pay; but I did find a Norfolk Island Pine that was about 10 feet tall. I called Stacey to see if I should get it, then we could decorate it ... be a little different ... but ... my ... er, idea was met by ... umm ... an icy silence that carried a death-like quality.

So, the next stop was a large local craft store "in the craft business since 1954," where I found the last 12-foot-tall tree; and it had lights on it already. And it was on sale. And then I was able to get the girl at the customer service counter to knock off another 50 bucks ... a real deal. And Stacey wanted it, sight unseen! Joy of joys!

I got it home and took out the parts and found the instructions. The box let me know it was from China, and the instructions let me know that I got a real good deal:

What the fuck? I mean what the fuck? First of all, who ripped the instructions? Secondly, my hands aren't that fucking big. And there are four parts to this 12-foot fucker, plus the stand, not the parts the instructions fucking show. A lot of good these fucking "instructions" would do me. Why the fuck did they bother translating it into English? Why the fuck didn't they just put a smaller piece of paper in the box telling me, "You got a good fucking deal; now put it together, you dumb fuck!!!"

You see, I thought that this would be easy, you know, take the thing out of the huge box and it would like unfold like a modern engineering marvel ... not like with a real tree and the damn tree stands and tying it to the railing to keep it from toppling over and the fucking strings of lights ... oh, yes, the fucking lights could be a real pain in the ass. I didn't realize that I'd have to figure out what part of the fucking tree went at the bottom ... but I did figure which part was the top, so it was a little easier. And then the part that the top part of the tree slid into, there was like ... I don't know how to explain it ... an aura around it. That and the fact that it had a little hole in one end for the little pole from the top part of the tree were enough to sell me on the positioniong of that piece. Then it was, what, a 50-50 chance of being wrong, which I expect 100 percent of the time; so, when I guessed right, it was a ... hmmm ... life-satisfying moment that I will cherish always. Our first artificial tree.

But then the lights ... no, they didn't just plug in. I thought they would be all wired, and I would plug them in ... you know, some kind of clever electrical engineering feat ... and "Voila!" But no ... I had to get a couple extensions cords ... you know, I did get a real good deal on the tree ... to plug in the 182 separate plugs for the 4000 lights; but I did it. And the tree looks pretty cool, reaching up to the ceiling of the loft, all lighted. The J-dogg is coming over tomorrow to ornamentize the tree.

I might vote to keep it up all year long.

Posted by Bill at December 10, 2005 10:21 PM