Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

SIGH.

ok. so we start out to columbus yesterday morning to lunch with matty and mel. while bill is on the phone with napster TRYING to cancel j's account -- for the third time --he misses a call. he checks his voice mail. probation officer left message that j left treatment center thursday night. the information she has is that drug dealer picked him up. warrant will be issued for his arrest. oh god.

we decide to press on to columbus and try to enjoy this little field trip. j made this decision. we are powerless, remember?

lovely time -- as always -- with the matt and mel. delicious lunch. i can't say that much hilarity ensued; but i do believe that bill and i -- and matt and mel -- did a pretty good job of just being in the moment and enjoying each other's company.

thought we left with plenty of time to make a leisurely drive, but the stop for gas and ensuing desperate attempt to avoid the traffic line to escape gas station took a freaking 45 MINUTES! so we were late. our friends whom we invited to attend pig roast with us had to wait about a half hour for us. but we got here. and had a great dinner and time with skip and candy (and met some other nice people who lived in our building). walked in the door to the apartment to find that bella had made a snack of a corner of bill's beloved buck rogers cartoon book. bitch.

my phone rings. it's jax.

me: hello?
j: hey. what's up?
me: just getting ready to sit down to watch football game. what's up with you?
j: i really fucked up. scared myself last night.
me: yup. what scared you?
j: i did a LOT of shit.
me: you ok?
j: yeah, i'm ok. just scared myself.
me: so what are you doing now?
j: somebody's giving me a ride. i'm trying to get home?
me: here?
j: yeah.
me: jack, we won't let you come home. we can't. YOU DON'T EVER WANT TO KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE TO SAY THIS TO YOUR CHILD. I'M HAVING A HARD TIME WRITING IT DOWN HERE.
J: i need some help. i don't know what to do. let me call you back from a pay phone -- i'm on some guy's cell phone.
me: ok. call me.
j: i will.

bill takes dogs out. i go to bed. hours, i think, pass. phone rings.

j: hey.
me: hey. where are you?
j: i'm at starbucks on clifton. i've been sitting here with ben talking. ben is an old friend from a.a. this is good. what should i do?

i can't remember the rest of the conversation or the sequence of events from this point. it all ended up with jax in the car with bill. bill having me call suicide prevention hot line, the woman calling bill's phone to talk to j, and hours of us insisting that j could not come home, that he had to turn himself in. oh god, this was hard. finally, he did. bill brought him in to police department, asked for a suicide watch (thank god the police were very kind), and left our son. oh god, this was hard. bill came home ENTIRELY drained.

god? are you there? please, god, PLEASE let me put jax in your hands. please? i know it's all i can do, but i'm scared. for the first time in my life, i'm starting to wonder if you're really there. i know that faith isn't about getting what you want. i know that putting j in your hands doesn't mean that you'll take care of him. i just can't think this through. i just can feel right now. and all i feel is bad. please help me.

Posted by Stacey at August 19, 2006 12:02 PM