he's still in jail. still waiting for a bed at treatment center, which apparently nobody's in any hurry to give to him. go figure.
but his spirits are ok. if i can believe anything he says. which is pret-ty hard to do anymore. go figure. bill and our neighbor, james (an addiction counselor), discussed the fact that he just might be in a hurry to get into treatment to bolt. again. i -- dummy me -- had not considered that possibility. so i brought that up to jax when he called last night, and he said, "what? are you kidding me?" which didn't bring me any comfort. fool me once -- shame on you. fool me 3, 472 times -- shame on me.
one good thing: HE'S READ TWO BOOKS! holy crap! jackson's READING.
so i guess we'll see what we'll see.
on a better note: matt and mel are on vacation in mexico [no, the irony does not escape me that one kid's at a resort in mexico with his beautiful wife for a well-deserved respite; the other's in jail for a well-deserved respite. and although he won't have the company of a beautiful wife, he's got company. heh.] although it looks like ernesto's made the turn northward and the resort's not in the way, the weather looks pretty -- well -- unsunny.
little miss sunshine (no pun intended) am i. the fact of the matter is that although i'm functioning pretty well right now, and you might not even notice my dismal frame of mind if you saw me; i'm really feeling pretty poorly right now. not sleeping. weeping in the shower. weeping while bill's out with the dogs. bill's out with the dogs right now, so guess what i'm doing as i type this? YOU GUESSED IT! WEEPING.
really, though. your many e-mails and supportive comments, and particularly one phone call from a blogger friend who let me weep and cried with me, means more to me than i can say. i've not had the energy to call friends because i really don't want to talk -- as opposed to write about it. so then i feel worse. alone. alienated. abandoned. and i know it's me. i know it. but i don't feel it.
i suck.
Posted by Stacey at August 29, 2006 01:43 PMyou do NOT suck! you absolutely do NOT suck!
repeat after me... I do not suck! I am a good mom! I am doing everything I should be doing! I do not suck!
and then say it once again for me!
love ya,
-d
i typed "and not in a good way" after the i-suck sentence. but i was afraid of damaging my children even MORE. hopefully, they won't read these comments. heh.
Posted by: stacey at August 29, 2006 03:48 PMYou are such a great mom, Stace. I read it in every single sentence that you write out here in the blogosphere. Your words drip with mommy love. Sure I don't know you personally. I can't say any of these things with any authority. But I can feel your heart. Way up here in cheeseville. Just like I know that you guys can feel mine when I talk about Kel. Always in my thoughts... Much love to you all.
(You don't suck. That is all.)
Posted by: Keri at August 30, 2006 01:12 AMWell...I've told you before that I want to come back in my next life as your child and that hasn't changed over the years I've known you online.
Alcoholism and addiction are the ones that suck. I hate them so much that sometime I have to scream loudly and scare my poor animals. You don't suck, addiction does.
You have company in the weeping. I cry over every post you write, because I feel your pain, and because I understand and relate. It is cathartic for me, crying through your situation. Addiction has very long reaching tentacles, some good and some bad.
Posted by: moonandsun03 at August 30, 2006 03:01 PMAh hell, Stacey, I don't know what to say. Well, except maybe this: Life (right now) sucks. Not you.
:hugs:
Posted by: lucy at August 30, 2006 03:41 PMYou do not suck. Weep all you want and don't feel guilty about it.
I had to buy a chemistry coat for Olivier this week. it took me back to buying Christian's chemistry coat 'for Monday' 4 years ago; he never went back to school. If anyone saw the lady in sunglasses out shopping on a dark stormy day it was me hiding my red eyes.
Perhaps a bit longer in prison may be a good thing.
Posted by: Anji at August 31, 2006 04:25 AMI think Bill should take you somewhere really nice and serene and pampering....YOU need a RESPITE!
You listening, Bill?
Posted by: Cowtown Pattie at August 31, 2006 09:21 PM