January 15, 2007

Eat the Wiener

I took this recitation of the facts directly from a motion to suppress evidence I filed a few months ago:

The defendant was operating a motor vehicle on Abbe Road with a passenger seated in the right front seat. The defendant had been at the Speedway gas station on State Route 254, where he purchased two cooked hot dogs and buns and a 40-ounce bottle of beer, which he intended to take to his residence and consume.

Apparently, the passenger in his vehicle, who also went into the Speedway station, was a whole lot hungrier than the defendant and, perhaps, was limiting his carbohydrate intake inasmuch as the passenger ate several of the frankfurters, picking them right off the rotating grill with his fingers, and eating them without nestling the red hots into warmed buns and without condiments of any kind.

The passenger might have forgotten to pay for the wieners and left Speedway, which aroused the cashier into taking some action. She ran out after the passenger and started to beat on the van the defendant was pulling out of the parking space. This activity was noticed by an Ohio State Highway Patrol trooper, who questioned the cashier, who told the trooper that the hungry passenger did not pay for the franks he had eaten.

The trooper spotted the defendant’s vehicle headed south on Abbe Road and activated the overhead emergency lights and siren. After having determined that his passenger had eaten some of Speedway’s high-profit merchandise without paying, the defendant pulled into Cobblestone Plaza on Abbe Road, intending to kick his passenger out of the vehicle.

As the defendant stopped, telling his passenger to take a hike, the OSHP trooper pulled his patrol car into the parking lot. He questioned the defendant, from whom the odor of alcohol emanated, as the passenger slowly backed away and out of the scene, carrying a bag in his hand.

In his report, the trooper noted nothing unusual about the manner in which the defendant operated the vehicle. The trooper asked the defendant how much in the way of alcoholic beverages he had imbibed, to which the defendant had replied that he had a couple at home earlier and three beers at Rockers Pub.

Here's justice: The highway patrol trooper arrested the driver, believing him besotted. As for the sated passenger, he walked home a free man. And he took the bag with the two hot dogs and 40-ounce Miller purchased by the defendant.

Posted by Bill at January 15, 2007 11:00 PM
Comments

Bill, I always read your blog with relish. If I fall a few days behind,I can always ketchup. Always remembering Kafka: Sometimes you eat the wiener, sometimes the wiener eats you.

Posted by: Kyle at January 16, 2007 02:15 AM

That's just not right.

Posted by: Trace at January 16, 2007 12:04 PM

It's spelled weiner down here. Don't ask me. Google nu-way wiener. See if Google doesn't ask: Did you mean: nu-way weiner. The Google knows.

Posted by: Vicki at January 16, 2007 12:52 PM

I knew someone who stopped to help at an accident once, unfortunately she'd had a beer and nothing to eat all day. She got booked too.

Posted by: Anji at January 17, 2007 01:44 AM

The next time the passenger decides to eat the wiener, he should be made to pick them up with his tongue.

Damn! I'm nasty tonight!

Posted by: Joel at January 22, 2007 01:32 AM

Incidentally, I mentioned you in Roundup #33, coincidentally in connection with an article about the love Americans seem to have for shoplifting meat.

Posted by: Joel at January 22, 2007 01:33 AM