I know that one, maybe two, of you have been around long enough -- persevered, as it were, and put up with a lot of crap, so to speak -- to recall the white Volkswagen Beetle with "The Who" sticker on the back bumper. The lease was up. The mileage was way over what it was supposed to be. I tried to work a deal to buy it, but they didn't want to hear about any deals to buy the car. So, I turned it in -- late -- and V-Dub billed me something like $37,000 in over-mileage fees; but there was some question about just what the ".10" that had been written on the line for the "cents per mile" charge really meant in the overall scheme of things. In a sneaky lawyer maneuver, I said the decimal point before the 10 did not mean 10 cents, but one-tenth of one cent and that the fellow at the dealership wrote it that way; so, I owed a lot less than what V-Dub claimed.
That did not go well -- the lousy lawyer trick, that is. The lady on the other end of the phone -- the Super-Chief Boss of the This-Idiot-Went-Way-Over-the-Mileage Department -- was laughing her ass off, having now heard it all; and unless I immediately paid the $37,000 plus accrued interest of $16,000, together with the late return fee of $1200, one month's lease payment multiplied by the additional not-turning-the-car-in-on-time-stupid penalty totaling $1,800, and the taking-"The Who"-sticker-off-the-rear-bumper charge of $350, she was going to turn my case over to the largest law firm in Chicago to sue my sorry ass for all that and attorney fees.
I settled with the lawyers from Chicago -- and both of us were not happy, which means it was a good settlement.
That was several years ago. Fast forward through the intervening years to the present, and mail is delivered with a return address "VW and Audi Smart Key Litigation." It turns out that some lawyer filed a class action suit because the computerized keys to start the VW Beetle, among other cars made by VW and Audi, couldn't be duplicated by locksmiths because V-Dub didn't permit anyone but licensed dealers to have the key codes, "thus depriving consumers of potential choices in programming computerized replacement keys." So, when I broke the Smart Key and needed a replacement back in the day, I called my friend, Sam the Locksmith, who told me he couldn't help me. VW wouldn't give him the key blanks and codes. The damn key cost almost $300.
So, we got this big class action lawsuit going over the Smart Key. That's cool. I can get my money -- or part of it -- back. I mean, hey, this lawyer's got it all together. Grrrr!!!!
Here's the settlement, the deal: V-Dub gives the codes and programming to any locksmith who wants them; V-Dub puts the locksmiths' addresses on its website; V-Dub puts an insert with an explanation of how the Smart Key works and where to find a replacement key in the owner's manual; and V-Dub pays attorney fees.
Am I missing something? Where's the part about me getting my money -- or a part of it -- back? What kind of deal did this lawyer make for me?
Okay. Here's the basics of the American legal system, the high-falutin' System of American Jurisprudence. We got one lawyer representing, let's say, me. And we got another lawyer representing, let's say, V-Dub. My lawyer says something like this: "Dude, if Bill's locksmith had the code, he would have been able to get a new Smart Key for free because the locksmith is his good friend; so, Bill got ripped off to the tune of $300. Plus interest. Plus attorney fees. Pay the man!"
And does V-Dub's lawyer say: Okay, we believe you; here's the money?
Of course not. It never works that way. Everyone knows that. Either there's a trial, or there's a settlement. And I get some of my money back. That's how it works.
So, I look at the settlement brochure more closely. Here's a quote from the settlement brochure:
"Plaintiffs' [that's me!] counsel [my lawyers!] have also been informed that ... VW has confirmed that the prices charged by authorized VW and Audi dealers for replacement Smart Keys are competitive with the prices charged for replacement Smart Keys by independent repair shops or locksmiths ...."
And my lawyers "have determined that, in light of this information, the settlement proposed will fully and fairly protect the interests of the Settlement Class ..."
WHAT THE FUCK?
My lawyers actually believe V-Dub's lawyers? What the hell happened? Has the entire legal world been suddenly torn apart by a worm hole snaking its way through the universe? I am totally disillusioned. The legal system has gone far awry. I am deeply, deeply troubled by all of this. What happened to the adversary system of justice in this country?
Okay, okay -- I know what you're saying. Bill, you can "opt out." You don't need to accept this injustice. You can object. You can raise a ruckus. Stand up for what you believe in, Bill. You fucking whining pussy!
Enough already! Here's what I have to do: "Your exclusion request must set forth your full name and current address and the model, model year, and vehicle identification number (VIN) of the vehicle(s) owned, and include proof of ownership (such as title or DMV registration), etc., etc., etc."
This is bullshit. They have my name and address because I'm holding the envelope. The vehicle identification number is on the fucking envelope. V-Dub ... German engineering. The Germans are renowned for keeping meticulous records of all kinds of minutiae. They have all the records of my oil changes, tire rotations, tire tread depth, tune-ups, my complaints about the CD player, the broken fucking Smart Key that the dealer couldn't figure out was broken and wore down my battery so far trying to start the damn car that they said I needed a new one and charged me $150 for a fucking battery, $130 for the goddamn tow, and almost 300 bucks for the fucking Smart Key. Give me a fucking break. They are making me jump though fucking hoops if I don't want to be involved in this miscarriage of justice in a mutant legal system.
Fucking idiots. Only in America.
Posted by Bill at July 16, 2008 11:43 PM