Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

CALL ME OSCAR

i am ready to run out of my office screaming – either that or go into felix unger’s office and start making head contact with my cane. over and over again. i’m having fantasies – like john cusack in “high fidelity.” if i could pick up an air conditioner and bash his head in, i would. ok. maybe not. but i’d daydream about it.

i do NOT think that having allergies – or a cold -- entitles a person to drop all pretenses of civilized courtesies that normally surround the expelling or clearing of mucous secretions from the nose or throat. i’m not talking about sniffing, sneezing, coughing, or blowing your nose. i’m talking about snorting and hocking. every goddamned 30 seconds. i am not kidding you. go down the hall to the men’s room and have it out. go twice an hour, i don’t care. go every 15 minutes. whatever. just cut it out. you are making me physically ill.

other things i want you to stop – immediately:
• popping bubble wrap until all bubbles have been popped
• eating whatever it is you eat every morning in your office so loudly. stop scraping the tupperware bowl you brought it in like it’s a snare drum and you’re in the ohio state marching band
• sending out morse-code messages with your click-top pen (i don’t stock the office with those – where do you get them?)

phone calls are in a separate category. stop immediately:
• asking EACH AND EVERY person in the company what their 401k plan is worth
• asking same people what their interest rate is on their home mortgages
• asking those with college-aged kids what the kids scored on the sat’s and what scholarship money, if any, the kids received
• settling nintendo arguments between your 5 year old and 6 year old

other miscellaneous complaints:
• does your cousin think you won’t know who he is if he leaves a message for you to call him by leaving only his first name? who the fuck does he think he’s impressing when he says “dr. first name last name.” give me a break.
• when i bring in donuts to share, do NOT ask if they are “fresh” or “old.” just. do. not.
• ask personal and very nosy questions to jen about the cost of her upcoming wedding, her newly purchased home, her car, when she’s getting a ring, etc.
• when jen and i have made other plans for picking up lunch, act like it was our responsibility to make sure you had something to eat. you rarely return the favor.
• stop behaving as though you are a member of a “protected class” because you have small children and are thus deserving of special consideration for each and every office event, including arriving at work by 9:30, instead of 8 or 8:30, every day. when my children were small, i don’t remember bill behaving in this manner. i don’t know anybody else who does this. including your boss, who continued her very busy travel schedule, all though her kids’ young years with grace and without sacrificing a very close and involved mothering relationship. i do NOT know why she cuts you such slack. she IS a better person than i am. this is the woman who took your place in an important meeting with a customer because you “burned the bottoms of your feet on the sand at the beach.” give me a break. and still, she thinks you’re the bomb. the fact that she can do this is not reason enough for me to re-adjust my thinking about YOU – it only serves to have me admire HER even more for her good nature.

bah. humbug.