Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

I'm done talking to the prosecutor and I like have to go talk to my client about the case and see what we're gonna do -- well, what she's gonna do. And she's not there. You know, it's like all I can do to keep calm when shit like this happens. I sent her out a letter to like remind her of the hearing, and she calls me like to say that she'll like be there, and then she doesn't show. I know it's snowing and all, and that she might like be spendin' a little time in the can if she pleads guilty, but there's a good chance that like going to an anger management course will keep her outta jail. After all, she did what all ex-wives wanna do to their ex-husbands ... well, not the cutting-off-the-dick part, just the like choke-the-living-shit-out-of-him part ... and I figured she had a good reason that the judge might like enjoy, if not be totally on her side about it.

But she didn't show. And the prosecutor, he like wants a warrant, and she doesn't have a phone ... it got turned off and that was like part of the defense ... so, the judge said he was revoking the bond and signing a warrant, which is a bad thing, legally, because the judge is like mad at the client for like thumbing her nose at the judge and not showing, which puts a crimp in my tryin' to get the judge to like see it my way ... or her way, ya know. I don't know if ya really like know, but it's kinda like a bad thing not to show; and I hadda tell the judge that yessir, I did hear from her after I sent her a letter and I didn't really know where she was cuz she said she would for sure like be present cuz she was like innocent, ya know, sir, and like maybe you don't need to issue that warrant and we could just like postpone this so as I could like send her a letter cuz she doesn't have a phone, seeing as how her ex-husband isn't paying support. But he wasn't buyin' in to my whining. He hardly ever does.

That's that. I leave. I go back to my office at home and start doing a letter to her saying that she like totally missed the fuckin' hearing and the judge signed a warrant and to like call me to set up a time to like turn herself in and bring like 500 bucks for bail and stuff like that and I'm making a copy of the letter I sent her before to put with this letter just to like cover my own ass, ya know, cuz if she gets arrested, she's like gonna totally blame me, ya know. That's how it is -- always the goddamn lawyer's fault. Like nobody can take responsibility for their own fuck-ups, ya know. Like Bush and Iraq. And Rumsfeld and the piece of the plane that crashed into the World Trade Center that sits on his desk as a souvenir, ya know. Things like that.

And I'm lookin' at the copy of the letter bein' spit outta the copier, and it says like, the hearing is set for April 2 at 9:30. And like I do this double take and say to myself that, whoa, I fucked up, man, and told her to be there on the wrong fuckin' date. And now the police are out there lookin' to arrest her like that guy in Columbus shootin' at people. Whoa, that could be like real bad for me if they like arrest her.

So I call the clerk. I know her pretty well. She knows I'm like crazy. And she still likes me, I think.

"This is Bill."

"What do you want?" she asked, like she was pissed at me.

"I did something very bad. Legally speaking, I fucked up," I said, then explaining how I notified the client to be there April 2 instead of today.

She said, "I'll take care of it. April 2nd at 9:30."