Nothing But Love :: golf blogger

Trains Suck

Yesterday, I came to the railroad tracks at the southern edge of town, and two cars were stopped right on the tracks waiting for a car up ahead to turn left, one with its rear end hanging over a rail and one with its front end hanging over the other rail. I don't understand why anyone would take such a risk. Certainly, the chance of a train approaching and the driver being unable to move because of traffic or stalling out the car is very small, but the result of such an occurrence means certain death. So, why stop on the railroad tracks like that?

I tend to stop and hang back pretty far from the railroad crossing if the lights start flashing and the gates come down. Drivers of other vehicles have actually had the nerve to honk at me, urging me to move up the ten or twelve car lengths to the crossing gate or to go around me and stop much closer to the tracks. I do not move.

I don't make any bones about admitting that I have a fear of speeding trains. There are two reasons why I stop so far back from the tracks with a train approaching.

Reason No. 1: Trains become de-railed. Automobiles and SUV's would be crushed by a de-railed train. This is not an irrational fear. There are train derailments every day, some serious, some not so serious. I refuse to be a part of a deadly train derailment by stopping 10 feet from the tracks with a train cruising by at 50 miles per hour.

Reason No. 2: Trains are fucking huge. They weigh a lot more ... many, many, many times more than the white VW Beetle with the black "The Who" sticker and peace symbol on the rear bumper or even a new 2006 Hummer Humongous. Now, I'm not real sure of the physics involved, but it is involved. I can assure you of that. Physics tells us that a high speed train creates like a vacuum and suction effect and totally pulls stuff towards it. If a car gets like too close to the train, it will get sucked right under the wheels of the train.

I might be wrong about the vacuum and suction thing; but if I am, then it's the immense gravity that trains have because they are like so massive in comparison to cars, and it is the gravity that pulls the car into the train. I read an article by Stephen Hawking and I'm pretty sure he agrees with me, that it's like either the vacuum with the concomitant sucking effect or the gravity thing that we have to worry about. In any event, it's pretty dangerous up there by the tracks.

MRI -- CLEAR!!

nuff said. breathe, stacey, breathe.

Swimming Pool Maintenance Tips

Our two regular readers know that we have an in-ground swimming pool. Stacey had the idea when the kids were small that we would get many, many years of enjoyment from a pool as opposed to vacation trips. And she has been right about that.

From time to time, I provide our readers advice and guidance about pool care and safety, based on my many years of experience in the cleaning, care, and maintenance of our pool. For instance, when opening the pool in the spring-time, the impeller of the pump could be "frozen." This condition can be recognized by the buzz of the electric motor, which indicates that the shaft is not rotating and the impeller is most likely "frozen." Allowing this condition to persist could result in damage to the electric motor, leading to early replacement of the unit. I am pleased to say that my years of experience alerted me to this condition, and I remedied the condition by simply freeing the impeller so that it could spin freely.

This is a simple operation, since the water is not yet circulating. The lid and filter basket have already been removed from the small filter, the removable filter basket of which serves the purpose of removing large contaminants from the water supply before the pool water travels to the diatomaceous earth or sand filter. It is at this point of attachment near the bottom of the filter housing that the impeller is located. You can free the impeller by simply spraying a small amount of WD-40 on the impeller and moving the blade with your finger. This is a blind operation as the impeller is located at the end of the motor shaft in the channel between the incoming water supply line from the pool and the pipe carrying the water to the large filter. Freeing the impeller should cause the motor to operate smoothly, turning the motor shaft, and causing the impeller to spin at high speed, thereby creating the suction to draw the pool water through the small filter and into the large filter.

CAUTION: It is extremely important that you unplug the electric motor prior to, that is, before performing this operation because success in freeing the impeller while the motor is supplied with power will result in the motor shaft beginning to spin at high speed, and the concomitant resumption of the high speed spin of the impeller may cause severe injury to fingers not removed fast enough from the impeller location. At a minimum, the living shit will be scared out of you.

Once the pool is filled to the appropriate level, the water is circulating, the chemical balance of the water is restored, and the water is crystal clear, it is recommended that you backwash the diatomaceous earth or sand filter. There is a lever on the top of the large filter housing for this purpose. It is important to follow the manufacturer's instructions in operating this mechanism. This operation is simple and can be done by any moron. Of course, if the moron gets caught up in playing with the dogs and then goes in the house because it's 95 fucking degrees, he may forget that he is backwashing the filter. Rather than explain the intricacies of this operation to you, the plain fact is that the water from the pool goes through the filter, washing the crap out of the filtering material and into the sewer system. So the water from the pool carries the crap removed by the filter into the sewer, thereby cleaning the filter. Basically. And if the moron performing the backwashing operation forgets what he is doing, it takes only about a half hour or so for half the water in the pool to be backwashed into the city sewer system.

CAUTION: Never leave your station at the pump mechanism when performing the backwashing operation. Serious head injury will result when the major fuck-up is discovered.

That concludes this session of swimming pool tips. I hope that it has helped. In the future, I will provide tips on building decks and the safe operation of nail guns. Thank you for your time and attention.

GDI

I'm sure there will be an uproar over the Supreme Court decision concerning the Court's endorsement of' the concept of separation of church and state in the Ten Commandments case decided earlier today, or the fundamentalists will spin the decision as a favorable outcome permitting the Ten Commandments to be displayed in public places. And I'll get a few people riled up, but not everyone thinks alike in this country of ours.

Here's the deal with me. Henry VIII split from the Roman Catholic Church and declared himself the true head of the Anglican Church instead of the Pope. He ended up beheading two of his wives and divorcing three others, all in the name of religion. Freedom to worship as one pleases is not akin to freedom from imposition of religious dogma by the government upon its citizens. Prayer in public schools is imposition of religious dogma by the government upon its citizens. Posting the Ten Commandments in a non-historical context is the imposition of religious dogma by the government upon its citizens. And it is clear that the First Amendment was intended by the Framers of the Constitution to protect all citizens, especially those in the minority, from the will, whether it be well-intended or not, of the ruling majority.

I don't understand how this concept cannot be clear to people unless they are close-minded zealots.

I am not a member of any organized religion or religious group. It's difficult for me to reconcile many of my personal views with the tenets of any number of religions and religious groups. So, I choose to be a GDI.

Toothpaste

Certain tasks have devolved upon me in the last few years with Matt and Mark leaving for college and other destinations farther down the timeline and the J-dogg growing up and going on his adventure in bohemian living.

I just cannot figure out the toothpaste thing. I grew up using the only decay-preventing dentifrice approved by the American Dental Association, Crest. That's all. The mighty Crest. Well, Crest and a conscientious program of regular dental care was supposed to do it. And fluoridated water. And restricting sweets. Now, it seems every toothpaste on the market is approved by the American Dental Association; so, that’s no big deal anymore. That means every toothpaste is about the same, I would imagine.

One of my responsibilities now is buying the toothpaste. That seems like a simple enough task any moron could do; and it is, but you must understand that I have not yet succeeded in reaching that high of a level on the intelligence scale. After all, for the one who cuts the Christmas tree light cord and then sticks it in his mouth to see if the juice is on, buying the right toothpaste is almost like picking out the correct tampon make and model.

I now understand that Colgate is THE brand of toothpaste I am required to buy. My lovely wife does not like Crest. Why not? I don't know. One doesn’t ask that kind of question, if one knows what is good for him. Colgate it is.

The tube, though, is required to have a flip-top cap. You would think that a flip-top cap is a big selling point featured prominently on the box. It is not; it is nowhere on the box. Have you ever tried to unseal a box of toothpaste to see if the tube has a flip-top cap? It is impossible. And the way the universe works, I had to go through three different kinds of toothpaste boxes before hitting the jackpot. And then I had to explain why I brought three open boxes at the check-out counter; and the way the universe works, after I was cross-examined by the check-out girl, who just graduated from the 6th grade, about why I had done what I did, she did not forgive my transgression and made me pay.

So I had the right toothpaste, or so I thought. But there is more than one kind of Colgate toothpaste with a flip-top capon the market. I picked out the wrong kind because Stacey didn't like it. Why didn’t she like it? I don't know. One doesn’t ask that kind of question, if one knows what is good for him. I know that there are regular and mint flavor, and I thought she liked mint flavor; and she does, but not that particular mint flavor. The nuances of an educated palate when it comes to toothpaste, like wine, I do not possess. The world should not be this fucking complicated. Toothpaste is, after all, toothpaste.

So, because I'm not the toothpaste connoisseur, there are now six different kinds of toothpaste in the house. Three have screw caps. The others are different kinds of Colgate toothpaste with flip-tops.

There's Colgate Total with Whitening Paste. There's Colgate Advanced Fresh Gel. There's Colgate Total Mint Fresh Stripe Gel. I don't care which one I use. It doesn't matter to me.

And, after doing a little research into the matter, I came to the conclusion that the manner in which I approach the matter of toothpaste preference is not an unreasonable one. You see, I checked the ingredients on each tube. Going into this, I thought that there would be substantial differences in the ingredients. On the one hand, you have the toothpaste with extra whitening power versus the toothpaste with breath-refreshing minty flavor.

All of the toothpastes have the same ingredients. And all the ingredients are in the same order. Except for one. There is mica in one kind. I can't remember which one. Whatever. Isn't it great that the same stuff used in brick mortar is used in toothpaste? It's only for color, just like titanium dioxide. The only active ingredients in the toothpastes are sodium fluoride and Triclosan. Sodium fluoride is the reason you only put a dab on your kid's toothbrush, and Triclosan is the omnipresent magical anti-bacterial stuff in everything that claims to be anti-bacterial from dishwashing liquid to shower gel to … toothpaste.

Triclosan. Being totally crazy, I decided to find out just what makes this ubiquitous germ-killer so special. The formula for Triclosan is C12-H7-Cl3-O2, which is pretty close in composition to hexachlorophene, another anti-bacterial chemical, which was in general use until about 25 years ago. Newborns were bathed in that stuff; burn patients were covered in it; my college roommate used nothing else to wash himself. As it turns out, hexachlorophene is was absorbed through the skin and caused disintegration of the myelin sheaths of nerves, muscular weakness, and cerebral edema.

Triclosan, like hexachlorophene, is a chlorinated hydrocarbon; and that general group of chemicals is often used in pesticides. A study conducted by the Danish Environmental Protection Agency found that Triclosan is found in discharges of waste water treatment plants both in Europe and in the United States, and that sunlight caused the Triclosan to degrade into dioxin, which was linked to rather weird happenings in the Ukrainian presidential election recently, where the eventual winner of the ultimate election was poisoned with dioxin and suffered some rather distressing symptoms.

The Danish EPA report also concludes that Triclosan is not metabolized by fish, but accumulates in their tissues, just as mercury does, and may be a hazard to those who eat fish on a regular basis.

Now, I'm not saying that Triclosan is a bad thing. It is supposed to work its anti-bacterial magic in a way different from that of hexachlorophene. It's supposed to be safe … for some odd reason, known only to some pesky scientists. That's what the U.S. government says, the same group that told us Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

Maybe kids shouldn't use toothpaste with Triclosan as an ingredient. And maybe women who are pregnant shouldn't use it either.

And they don't really say what makes all these different kinds of toothpaste different.

UPDATE AT 4 A.M.

i feel great on this steroid. i'm not sharing it with you professional athletes. quit calling me.

no bad side effects. except for the bad, bad hot flashes. and bill SAYS he's not annoyed that i won't stop talking, and i think he's just pretending to enjoy all the cleaning, but i don't really care. i'm getting it done.

so, i have this kind of crazy energy. i feel great. great mood. non-stop talking. cooking like crazy. absolute no pain in my knees. except after a few hours of cleaning.

the mri was fine. bill got a couple of hours respite from crazy woman. i left him talking, returned to him talking. i thouht of a lot more things to do in that tube. it took a long time cuz my bra caused a lot of problems; finally i had to remove it after redoing three scan series. and they had to inject dye twice. i'm taking that to mean that he wasn't seing much after only first injection, that they weren't seeing anything obvious. i'm thinking i'm gonna hear good stuff wednesday.

i'm not worried. maybe it's the drugs. i feel goooood.

whatever.

Side Effects Gone Wild

I read what the pharmacist gave me with Stacey’s prescription, the info sheets with the side effects and contraindications and all that stuff for the methyl prednilisone. I don’t know that the information is relevant since she is taking 125 of the 4 mg. pills per day. The pharmacist didn’t want to fill the prescription. You’d think that I was trying to get the day-after pill. I convinced the pharmacist I wasn’t working for the Cleveland Indians, but she had only a one-day supply in stock and I was able to get that.

Nowhere in the info sheets I read does it say anything about several side effects of the medication. We got home at 10 minutes to 10 at night, and Stacey told me to get the vacuum cleaner. We cleaned the entire downstairs, washing all the floors. We hulled eight quarts of strawberries and Stacey made some kind of cottage cheese, strawberry, and cool whip concoction. We rearranged the living room furniture, and I carried a chair out to the garage. I suggested that we head upstairs to go to sleep, but her steroid-enhanced observational powers detected that the rug in the family room was slightly misaligned; so, I had to move the futon and align the rug properly to her exacting specifications.

It’s 1:35 a.m. I finally got her upstairs. Who remakes the bed before getting into bed? Apparently, before turning down the covers, they had to be perfectly smoothed out. I am afraid to object. Who knows what havoc she might wreak upon me in a ’roid rage. She continues to talk. She will not shut up as she shakes her leg while it sticks off the edge of the bed. The whole bed is shaking. The only break I get from the incessant talking and the quivering bed is when she cycles her bedside fan on and off and sings songs to the dogs. This behavior is found nowhere in the literature.

We have plans tomorrow. SHE has plans for me tomorrow. So far our plans tomorrow are Starbucks, grocery shopping, clean entire upstairs, dismantle Jackson’s loft bed and move it to the garage for the yard sale she is planning to hold on Saturday, borrow a friend’s truck and pick up new deck furniture, clean pool, weed pool area, some cooking, including making her pasta-tuna salad with the fresh peas that I have been instructed to buy at a roadside stand on the way back from my trip to the post office. Oh, yeah. I forgot about cleaning out the refrigerator, cleaning out under the kitchen sink, and cleaning the garage. Then I will take her to get the MRI done. I pray that I can crash on a couch in the waiting area and get some rest.

Unfortunately, I don't know what is in store for the evening after the MRI. I'm going to try to convince her that the yard sale is a bad idea. Maybe. I'll see how things are going.

HERE'S THE DILLY, YO

ok. here's the deal. that was posted while i was reeling. stupid, stupid, stupid. i'm much, much better.

i was diagnosed with ms 11 years ago when i had my first -- AND ONLY -- "attack." i was tracked for 5 years after that. only had the ONE brain lesion in all that time! very unusual. so the doc said i was as likely as anybody to have another. it just so happened that the ONE brain lesion was in my brain stem -- not a good place to have one. AND, it didn't resolve (heal) for over 6 months. so that ONE left me with permanent damage. mostly, it's no big deal. i'm a gimp. i type one-handed. i must wear glasses because i'm also a little cross-eyed from it. i have balance problems. energy problems. i have to use a cane.

so i'm a little different. ok, in some ways a lot different. but, the fact of the matter is that i think it's in some ways harder on those looking at me from the outside. it took me a little while -- but i feel just the same INSIDE. you know me, right? i don't think you think that i'm someone to feel sorry for, right? i rock, right? i'm bitchy, sentimental, smart, funny, right? that's how i feel and who i am. i'm happy. really happy. i'm a wife and mom. i'm who i want to be. the other stuff doesn't really bother me too much. i deal with it as i need to.

but i've realized i've lived the past 11 years pretending to myself that it WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN. and so when i was faced with the possibility that this might be another lesion, i freaked. it was like the first time -- all over again. started thinking all the worst-case scenarios.

idjit.

look. for the first 5 years, i had ONE -- count 'em -- ONE brain lesion. so if this is another one -- and we won't know that until next wednesday when my neurologist reads my new mri (going friday) -- i've got a REALLY slow-moving case.

big deal. it's my belief that the damage i sustained from lesion #1 is worse than what most ms patients sustain from the majority of lesions. so i'm going to be fine. really. just fine.

as for this optic neuritis / blind-spot thing, i have a choice. spend 3 days in the hospital on a steroid i.v. or take 125 pills a day for the next 4 days and then switch meds for a couple more days, slowly weaning myself off the "juice." YES, I SAID 125 PILLS A DAY! WTF? yet, i chose the 125 pills/day. pffft. and the pharmacist would only give bill the first day's supply even though he TOLD HER he wasn't supplying the cleveland indians. he had to fight for the one-day supply. i can't wait to see how these make me feel! doc said i'd feel "goofy."

i'm thinking bill and i might need a baby sitter. except, you might be in the way. i've got the next four days off, an empty nest, chocolate-dipped strawbs, and my very own ETERNALLY-goofy husband.

but you guys. man, you guys are awesome. awesome. everyone of you who sent your good thoughts, vibes, prayers. man, i felt 'em. i feel 'em. right back atcha, peeps.

Foul Mood

Where is the new Woodward & Bernstein?

We have a Vice-President who, before he was elected and re-elected, ran a company that bribed Nigerian government officials to obtain billion-dollar contracts, from which our Vice-President received millions in bonuses and stock options.

We have a Vice-President who received compensation from Halliburton last year in the amount of about $190,000 and has lied that he severed all ties with the company and donated stock options to charity. How much does Halliburton make from contracts with the U. S. government?

"Investigative journalism" used to have a different meaning. "Investigative journalism" revealed corruption at the highest levels of government, leading ultimately to the resignation of a President of the United States.

I don't want to know which restaurants in the area had health code violations -- the health department already found the violations. I don't care to know that a 30-year veteran of the police department had a two-martini lunch -- to me, he's entitled to do that once in a while for protecting our asses for 30 years. Is this what "investigative journalism" has become?

We have this war in Iraq going on, where 15,000 American soldiers, scores of other Americans, and an indeterminate number of innocent persons, have been killed, wounded, or permanently maimed, that was supported by Congress and which has been funded to the tune of $250,000,000,000, based on false information and fraudulent documents.

We have a President of the United States attempting to suppress foment and deprive The American people of civil rights through passage of expiring parts of something called the Patriot Act; indeed, he is trying to "strengthen" those portions in order to further smash our already-decimated "right to privacy," privilege against self-incrimination, fundamental right to counsel, and basic freedoms of speech and association.

We have a President who wants to destroy social security, although people are now realizing what an oil-slick he is laying down.

We have a President who permits propaganda to be disseminated as "news." We have a President who manufactured the main reasons to go to war with a country that did not attack the U.S.A. to get the support of the American people and the U.S. Congress. We have a President who condones what normal people call torture in violation of American law, international law, and public decency, yet denies it.

We have a President who lies.

We have a President who has mortgaged our children's futures. We have a President who refuses to fight for those in the country who are least able to fight for themselves, the poor, the young, the elderly, and the infirm. We have a President who has lined the pockets of his friends, making the rich richer and the disparity between the richest citizens and the poorest citizens the greatest in history.

We have a President who has caused the further erosion of the respect for the U.S.A. and for what it once stood, in spite of his demagogery about "family values."

I don't know about you, but are these happenings really the will of "We, the People?" Nixon was subject to impeachment for less; Nixon resigned in disgrace over less. But that was 30 years ago. Clinton was dragged through the mud and threatened with impeachment for much less.

So, I ask the question: Where is the new Woodward & Bernstein?

HELLO AGAIN

shit fuck. shit. fuck.

retrobulbar optic neuritis. had myself all calmed down and reassured that the big fucking blind spot that appeared in my left eye on saturday afternoon was an anomaly and NOT the ms rearing its ugly head again. then i google it, and all i can see is MULTIPLE FUCKING SCLEROSIS.

so it looks like we’re back to neurologist, mri’s, and THAT hellish roller coaster.

i was all set to tell you about my wonderful weekend. poof. it’s gone

Social Insecurity

Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control. -- Article 25, paragraph 1, UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS, Adopted by General Assembly of the United Nations, December 10, 1948.

I'm wondering if George W. Bush ever heard of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

We went to war because we were attacked, and we are at war today because there are still people out there who want to harm our country and hurt our citizens. -- George W. Bush, June 18, 2005.

Iraq didn't attack us. The U.N. weapons inspectors found no weapons of mass destruction before the U.S. attacked Iraq. Is there another plane of reality in which George the Lesser is residing because where I'm from, this is called a big fucking lie. Of course, it has worked before.

Court Report

I was in court yesterday. The bailiff asked me if it was okay to call another case ahead of mine because the lady had been sitting there since 9. She was whining about the time closing in on noon. It didn't matter that her lawyer rolled in just after I did at 11. I said okay, of course, nice guy that I am.

The lady and her lawyer stood before the judge, who towered over them. The prosecutor said that she was changing her plea to the DUI to guilty. The judge asked all the questions that he is required to ask of the lady and her lawyer, and she entered her guilty plea and was sentenced under the old law that only required her to do a minimum of 3 days in jail instead of double that for a high blood alcohol reading, which went into effect in 2000. The judge then said, "What about the contempt charge for failure to appear?" to which the prosecutor said that she came into court voluntarily and was not arrested on the warrant that had been issued.

Her lawyer dutifully pointed out that he had checked the court's file and that there was a sticky note that said his client called the court clerk and could not get a ride to court and couldn't be there, to which the judge replied, "What, it took her nine years to find a ride?"

The judge commended her for raising her children without child support for all those years, getting her college degree, and getting a job and dismissed the contempt charge ...

And the Word Is: "Prescience"

"Why, of course, the people don't want war," Goering shrugged. "Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece. Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in Russia nor in England nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship."

"There is one difference," I pointed out. "In a democracy the people have some say in the matter through their elected representatives, and in the United States only Congress can declare wars."

"Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."

Gilbert, Gustave M. Nuremberg Diary.
New York: Farrar, Straus and Company, 1947 (at 279).

Running Man

I saw an acquaintance, Kent, running in the bike lane of Lake Road this afternoon. The temperature thingy in the car said "92 F." One thing about Kent, he's a dedicated runner. He keeps track of his "consecutive days running" streak. We haven't talked for a few months; and I would have stopped to talk to him, but there was a line of traffic. I waved. He did the head bob of acknowledgement.

Kent has been running every day for the 15 years I have known him, rain or shine, cold or hot, no matter what the weather, except for the four months he took off for his recuperation from knee surgery.

That's a lot of mileage. I admit that I don't have the kind of love for running that Kent has ... or maybe he just likes it an awful lot ... or maybe it's just a nasty habit he can't break. I don't know much about runners, actually, or their habits. Do runners always wear the same running outfit every day? Kent was in his blue, shiny shorts and gold tank top with a blue stripe across the chest. In the dead of winter, he wears a shiny blue body suit with a gold-colored wool cap.

Matt and Mel dropped in for a visit today. Matt was driving us back home after a late lunch. He said, "Look, there's Kent. Has he ever changed his running clothes?" Out of the mouths of babes ...

Uh, I Forgot?

Judge: We have these two contempt citations. You weren't in court on April 14th. That's one. And you weren't in court on April 28th. Counselor, what's your client's problem.

Lawyer: On that first one, judge, he was in the county jail.

Judge: That was on the second driving under suspension charge we have here, am I correct on that?

Lawyer: Yes, your honor. So, he couldn't be here on that date due to his unavailablity on account of the fact that he was being held in the county jail.

Judge: Aaahhh, I see. What about the 28th?

Lawyer: He was in Tennessee, your honor. Death in the family.

Judge (to kid with the wiry growth on his chin): Who died?

Kid: My grandmother.

Judge: When did she die?

Kid: Uhhh ...

Judge: Here's a hint ... after the 14th and before the 28th.

Kid: I don't ... uhhhh ... remember the date, judge. We were like down there for 2 weeks totally taking care of the funeral and like all her belongings and shi ... stuff.

Judge: Okay, not guilty on that one. Guilty on the other one. You were stupid and shouldn't have gotten yourself arrested. 10 days on that one, $250 fine. Now, let's move on to the other shi ... stuff.

ANYBODY HUNGRY?

i always cook to relieve stress. it's a big part of my nesting instinct. i was not aware that my baby's leaving the nest was stressing me out. but i figured it out pretty quickly friday when i spent my day off cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. and just a little bit of cooking. a nice little tuna pasta salad. i packaged it up in five little gladware containers for work lunches this week.

then yesterday, i really went nuts. creamy chicken rice soup, 3 more lunch/dinner gladware containers in the fridge, 2 big ones in the freezer. chicken salad -- just a little bit for dinner last night and lunch today. AND an un-freaking-believable chocolate bread pudding. three small gladwares and a bigger container to bring to jax (i'll also try to pawn off some of the soup to jax).

i've posted the recipe for the dessert over in the kitchen.

21st Century Lawyering

A few moments ago, I filed an answer to a lawsuit in federal court. I filed it electronically. I love it. I'm sitting in my underwear working. Billable hours! Of course, I can't charge the same amount as I do if I appear in court. Good thing I run a stripped-down operation here.

EARLY MORNING OBSERVATIONS BY J-DOGG

it's 9:00 in the morning. we've already had two calls from the j-dogg. the second call was one of his on the-scene reports of strange happenings in the world around him. i don't know where he gets that from.

as often happens, he noticed a cute girl driving the car behind him. he continued to glance in the rear-view mirror as he drove, probably hoping to catch her eye, until, not aware that she was being scrutinized, she ducked her head under her armpit to check the effectiveness of her deodorant. she looked around to make sure nobody was watching. she apparently didn't notice the young guy in the car in front of her laughing. she checked her other armpit.

Clothes Washing 201

I ran into a problem doing the wash. I didn't leave a pen in one of my pockets. I have learned my lesson on that score. I switched from the fabric softener dryer sheets to liquid fabric softener in the washer. I do think that the clothes come out better with the liquid. I've gotten compliments about how good the clothes smell now. Cool.

I was thinking that the problem was a red t-shirt. One or two things came out pink. It must hive been the red t-shirt. So, what was I supposed to do? I tried putting the three items through the wash cycle three times all by themselves. That didn't work. I used non-chlorine bleach on the second and third washings ... with no success. But the stuff was super-clean. Still pink, though.

Tuesday, I took a chance and tried a little chlorine bleach. To no avail. Utter failure. Why me? I would have to take my lumps. Folded the stuff and put it away.

Last night, I got home after 10. Depositions from 9 A.M. to 8:45 P.M. Half hour break at 1. I'm not complaining. I noticed that Stacey did one of those Q. & A. things. Read it.

What are you wearing? Pink bra.

The damn bra was always pink. Fuck.

THURSDAY'S MEME

thrown at me by lucy:

Thursday's* Meme

three physical things you like about yourself:
1) my eyes,
2) my wrists (no joke) ,
3) my nose.

Three physical things you don’t:
1) my freakish surgery-scarred abdomen,
2) my chins
3) my upper arms.

three things that scare you:
1) any of my children being hurt,
2) george bush,
3) dick cheney.

three of your everyday essentials:
1) my basket,
2) a banana,
3) a venti 2 pump mocha – caf, please (my only caffeine of the day).

three things you are wearing now:
1) computer/reading glasses,
2) a PINK bra,
3) watch – ALWAYS. must. wear. watch.

three of your favorite bands or musical artists:
1) jackson,
2) pete townshend / the who,
3) ella fitzgerald.

three things you want in a relationship:
1) a smart man,
2) a funny man,
3) a democrat.

two truths and a lie (which is a lie?):
1) i can count on one hand the number of alcoholic drinks I’ve had in my life,
2) i love cleaning,
3) I take medication because I’m allergic to dogs.

three physical things that turn you on:
1) bill’s arms,
2) bill’s legs,
3) there’s this spot on my back…

three of your favourite hobbies:
1) cooking,
2) reading,
3) reading cook books.

three things you want to do really badly right now:
i’ve said this before, and i’ll say it again: I HAVE NO DESIRE TO DO ANYTHING BADLY – I’D PREFER TO DO IT WELL, IF YOU DON’T MIND.

three careers you are considering:
1) unemployed sales coordinator,
2) work-at-home sales coordinator,
3) traveler.

three places you want to go on vacation:
1) italy;
2) italy;
3) ireland.

three things you want to do before you die:
1) write a book,
2) learn to take GOOD digital pictures,
3) travel to italy, ireland, england, china…
4) have and love lots of grandchildren.

Three people you are throwing this to next: i'm gonna be selfish and keep this in the family. I DARE YOU MATT, MEL, AND MARK!

Happy Anniversary, Stace

For 31 years, I have driven you absolutely mad.

Wanna get a coffee?

STRANGE DAYS

up and down. crazy. i’m ready for this. it’s too much.

jax got the keys to his apartment yesterday morning. (!!!) started moving. slowly. very, VERY slowly. of course, the FIRST thing he moved was some guitars. and electronic gear. priorities, you know. THEN, he came home for his futon mattress, his tv, some videos, bottles of water, and toilet paper.

last night before he left, i had been reading in bed with pillows on my lap propping up my book. he came into our room, and i put my book down. he sat on the bed and laid his head on the pillows on my lap, and allowed me to stroke his hair while we talked. we talked about the move. about how cool it was. about how i remember how i felt in my first apartment (his age. newly married) when i’d get up in the middle of the night to get a drink and think, “THIS IS MY ICED TEA. THIS IS MY PITCHER. THIS IS MY GLASS.” about how scary it can be. about how dad and i had confidence in him. that he was smart and a good man.

it was awesome.

he left the house and met bill (who stopped at the grocery store for supplies for jax). bill told me when he got home that he and jax stood in the driveway of jax’s friend after transfering the stuff to jax’s car and hugged and cried. jax said he was scared a little. they hugged and cried some more.

my house is empty of children. i woke a couple times during the night and realized i was placing jax in his bedroom in my mind (as i’ve done tens of thousands of times before – that locating them thing you do with your kids. are they home yet? in bed? safe?) before i realized, nope, not there. in his OWN place. and shoved the thought out of my head. didn’t want to be sad.

i’m not really sad. but i cry a lot. i’m crying now.

this morning, i looked over the railing to the living room downstairs and saw the ghosts i’ve seen many times before. jax and matt. 14 and 18. dancing in the living room. jax teaching matt the box step.

next.

Blackout 2005

My sacrilegious behavior of the past few days apparently caught up to me. There was a big storm last night. No problem. Today, we had blue skies with the temperature in the mid-80's.

The power went out three different times.

Conversations Overheard

We went to see the Jackal's apartment. The building was built in 1929 ... top floor (4th), view of Lake Erie, 1100 sq. ft., original wood floors, hand-painted tiles from 1929 in the bathroom, original elevator to the 4th floor, underground parking ... he and Kim signed the leased.

Leasing agent: Now, Jackson, what do you do for a living?
J: I play music.
L.A.: That's really cool. Kim, you need to sign these employment verification forms for us. What kind of music?
J: Blues.
L.A. I love the blues.

The J-dogg never signed any employment verification forms.

On the way to drop of Kim at her house, I rode in the back seat. J-dogg was driving with his mom in the front seat, having a slight disagreement about ... what else ... the Misubitchy 3000 GT ... the Big Red Penis, which is again having its transmission and differential repaired.

J: That's a bunch of fuckin' shit!
Mom: Oh, really? Don't give me any of that fuckin' fuckin' shit. It's fuckin' stupid.

Yes, we speak English ...

MOM AND DAD GROW UP

time for an update on jackal (since he NEVER posts).

clean and sober 3 YEARS (!!!) . those exclamation points are a poor substitute for the pages and pages i could write about his journey and the pride and exhilaration we in our entire family feel for jax. he is an unbelievable young man. unbelievable. 19 years old. going on 35.

since he last wrote in his blog, he and jessica decided to split (amicably). for some reason (probably a LOT of reasons), he has grown and changed tremendously in 2005. he took a couple classes at our local community college to prepare him for going into a music production program at a different local community college. we and he felt he needed to glide into a full-time school atmosphere by “warming up” as we were a little “loose” (only in terms of structure) in our approach here at the “eric clapton school of fine arts” (what we called our home school).

he started out HATING it. ended up thinking it wasn’t so bad. however. HOWEVER.

a couple of weeks ago, he told us that he had decided that he was NOT going to go to school. at least not right away. he wanted to pursue his dream of being a musician. we said, “cool.”

trust me – we haven’t come to this zen state of mind about this topic easily. we’ve been led (kicking and screaming – in our heads, mind you) to this by an understanding and patient jax. he’s been talking about this for years. and we resisted. begged him to get a background in something, ANYTHING, “just in case.” and so, he agreed. and we kept thinking. who the hell do we think we are to say to him (not literally, of course – give us some credit), “HELL NO, YOU MAY NOT FOLLOW YOUR DREAM. WE OWN YOU. YOU’RE GONNA MAKE US LOOK LIKE BAD PARENTS.”

pffft. double pffft. the kid is freaking AWESOME on guitar. freaking AWESOME. and like i ever cared about what the abercrombie-and-fitch crowd was saying anyway. hisssss.

so ... we support this young man 100 percent.

right now, he’s working with a buddy of his on his own cd, which we’ll send around in the hopes of generating some interest. we have no clue what we’ll do, but we’ll work it out. what we’ve heard is great. GREAT. it’s blues. very stevie ray vaughan-ish. and he’s already got at least one gig (several shows a month) from it.

and. AND. AND. right this SECOND, he’s out looking for an apartment to share with a good buddy of his (a girl i’ve known – and adored – since before she was born, since she’s my best friend’s daughter). kimi is 25, a college grad, and very, very, VERY cool. jax will have to find a job RIGHT NOW (he’s got a lot of people he can work for in a minute if nothing pans out right away). they called me a couple hours ago. found a place that they LOVE. so i guess we’ll be shelling out some green for him to start him out.

do you think i should be freaking out about all this? cuz i’m not. i’m proud and thrilled and excited. not worried one bit.

go for it, dude. we adore you and will ALWAYS be here for you.

Blessed Are the Cheese Makers

Police struggle to hold back the crowds at the Tyropoean Valley Parkway underpass just outside of Cleveland where an image of a grilled cheese sandwich mysteriously appeared overnight, stopping traffic during morning rush hour and attracting gawkers.

Behold! The Power of Cheese!

Key to the Highway

You know that thing that superstitious people have about people dying in threes ... or something like that. I was wondering how that thing got started. Did someone like in the Middle Ages during the Black Death notice that bodies were piled up in threes and started telling everyone that people die in threes? Or is it from when Jesus and those two other guys got crucified ... that could be. Did Mel Gibson put anything like that in his movie about the crucifiction crucifixion?

I was just wondering about that on my way back from Sandusky, home of Cedar Point, the greatest amusement park in the world, because there are three crosses off to the side of the road. I don't know if that has any religious significance or whether three people died there.

And up ahead, a few miles to the east, there's a bridge over the highway -- printed on the bridge: CLAPTON IS GOD. That has been on the bridge for the last 20 years, maybe longer. The bridge has been painted several times over that period of 20 years and CLAPTON IS GOD remains. That's gotta mean somethin' ... if a water stain under a Chicago bridge can be perceived as the Virgin Mary, then these printed words, apparently not done by the hand of man, since even painting over it does not erase it, must be an absolute truth.

MORE KITCHEN STUFF

yeah, ok, maybe i DO have a problem. AT LEAST i’m not alone. moonandsun understands. and so does kara (you have to read the comments from last post).

i cannot resist a good informercial product, especially one that’s pitching a kitchen product. in actuality, i’ve had pretty good luck with the ones i order. bill tempers my enthusiasm with his natural skeptism.

on new year’s day, we ordered the “magic bullet” – a pint-sized grinder/blender/chopper. ohmygod. we love it. and. and. because we ordered when we did (snicker), we got one FREE! for matt and mel. this little thing is perfect for quick chopping of an onion, nuts, chocolate. makes wonderful smoothies. watch the infomercial! it works!

i’ve recently acquired the “gt express,” a kind of deep-welled sandwich maker. i’ve only used it a couple times. i like this one, too. i made frozen schwann’s mini cinnamon buns in it the other day.

for some reason, i have way too many of those “chopper things” (i don’t know what they’re called really – we call them chopper things). these work pretty good, but they’re a bitch to clean. well ... i guess putting them back together is the bitch, not so much the cleaning.

thumbs down to the egg-shaped egg cooker thingy (again – don’t remember what it’s called). much easier to use a handy ziploc container.

my kitchen is filled to the gills with kitchen appliances (i try to hide most of them in the cupboards so as not to scare visitors). a quick list contains: hard- and soft-boiled egg cooker (love it), steamer (never use it), rice cooker (never use it), battery powered pot stirrer (recently acquired gift from a friend who enables this problem i have), cuisinart (love it. duh), stick blender (must have for soups), regular blender (gave this away a long time ago), popcorn maker (threw this out a long time ago), juicer (gave this away, too), mixer (my beloved kitchen-aid), hand mixer (what? you think you don’t need this if you have a kitchen-aid? whatever, dude), knife sharpener, mezzaluna (cool tool, not really an appliance. i just wanted to make you jealous after that crack about the hand mixer), fondue pots - 2 (a regular fondue pot, and a little, teeny, porcelain one used only for chocolate. what? you don’t have 2? dude), bread maker, and a coffee (spice) grinder.

when i think about simplifying or downsizing, i don’t think about “losing” any of this stuff. i think about a better-designed kitchen. more accessible storage.

btw, no takers on the whisks i don’t use? lucy? you have ONE? tj? you use the mixer beater?????

Lightning Can Be Dangerous

Thunderstorm season is upon us in the Northern Hemisphere. As a golfer, I am highly concerned about the dangers associated with thunderstorms and lightning strikes while playing golf. Not only are golfers exposed to the devastating effects of lightning by virtue of the terrain of golf courses, most golfers carry around a bag on their persons or in close proximity, either on a rolling cart or in a personal conveyance vehicle, which contain long rods of steel. It is axiomatic that these long rods of steel, golf clubs, as they are known in the parlance of our times, are, in fact, during electrical storms, lightning strike collectors.

Golfers, as a general rule, are not of high intelligence. Although disputed by many sources, one need only point to the fact that most golfers actually view others playing golf on home television as ample evidence that golfers are, indeed, of slight intelligence. Moreover, as a further example of the lower intelligence of golfers, when not actually being able to view the television broadcast of men or women walking on large expanses of grass, golfers often, for example, while making a sandwich, will tell another who might be in the vicinity of the the television to turn up the sound, thus allowing the golfer to be entertained by the swooshing of the club being swung through the air and a whispering commentator describing that the golf ball flew into the air and landed on the ground, which Newton clarified for Earthlings several centuries ago.

Having established that golfers lack intelligence, they are so devoid of intelligence and common sense to such an extent that they lack self-preservation skills. Golfers will often unravel and deploy umbrellas when precipitation is present, which precipitation is often a precursor to and occurs invariably during a thunderstorm, holding the umbrellas high overhead, thereby deploying lightning strike collectors.

It is also well known that large, tall isolated objects, such as trees, attract lightning. Golfers, being of low intelligence, will often congregate in large groups, telling ribald jokes and making off-color remarks, under tall, lightning-attracting trees, holding high above their heads colorful, lightning-attracting umbrellas, carrying on their persons or maintaining in close proximity to their persons expensive, lightning-attracting metal clubs.

It is well known to even those of average intelligence that lightning can be dangerous. Tests reveal that more than half of all lightning bolts are about 100 million volts, and some have been measured upwards of 10 billion volts. But it is not the volts that kill, it is the amps. And lightning bolts average about 30,000 amps, but some have been measured at more than 200,000 amps. The temperature of a lightning bolt is generally about 50,000 degrees F. In most instances, but this is anecdotal, people have not liked being hit by lightning.

Is it not preferable, instead of seeking out shelter under or near lightning strike collectors and instead of carrying or being in close proximity to lightning strike collectors, to prevent lightning strikes. Lightning strikes can be prevented by discharging the site being protected of built-up electrical charge, since lightning invariably terminates in an area of high charge. By discharging the site to be protected from lightning strikes of excess electrical charge, the lightning strike risk is substantially reduced or totally eliminated.

With physics and the safety of golfers in mind and with pure eleemosynary intent, I suggest to enterprising entrepreneurs that, in cooperation with Lightning Eliminators & Consultants, Inc., the Spline Ball golf hat be introduced as a necessary accessory for the serious golfer for protection against lightning strikes. The Spline Ball hat also provides excellent protection against wayward golf balls that might otherwise cause serious head or brain trauma. In addition, the Spline Ball hat may also be used to drag lake and river beds to recover golf balls that have been consigned to watery graves, allowing the golfer to enter the business of used golf ball sales, thereby recouping the investment in the Spline Ball hat, which is an attractive selling point.

It is not unknown for golfers of low intelligence to spend $500 for a new golf club, despite the fact that the average score of golfers has stayed constant over the last 30 years at 100, which means that golfers are so stupid that they will pay any amount of money to play better; therefore, the Spline Ball hat can be marketed as a multi-faceted tool not only to protect the golfer on the course at all times from natural and man-made hazards, but as a passive teaching aid. Because of its design, the Spline Ball hat requires the golfer to maintain his head in a stable position, which is a fundamentally sound swing feature endorsed by all teaching professionals. The Spline Ball hat will revolutionize golf instruction. It will also allow golfers to play golf during thunderstorms by protecting them from lightning strikes, which is a benefit to golf course operators, who often close the golf course to play during thunderstorms for fear that a golfer may be struck by lightning and then sue the golf course operator for not preventing the golfer from playing with lightning bolts streaking across the sky.

Again, I offer this business opportunity gratis.